You wouldn’t get in a car and start driving, hoping you end up at the grocery store. You figure out where you want to go first. Maybe use GPS to map it out. Then you drive there, right? And yet, I meet clients who have quit their jobs, hopped through a few others, or started businesses hoping that the next job, role, or title is where they will find happiness or satisfaction–with not much understanding of what happiness and satisfaction is for them. For so many of us, we know there’s something missing from our work, we just don’t know what it is. Hoping the next thing will give it to you is not a strategy. So take this tip and set your life’s GPS by first admitting what you really want for yourself and stop searching blindly in the dark for something you haven’t yet defined.
Admitting It
Here’s the thing that I want you to know from having coached hundreds of people now: You do know what you want and it’s a lie that you don’t. I’ve seen this time and time again, where the lightest of prodding or a little gentle push, produces all of these dreams. All of the things that people want for their lives, that have been buried just beneath the surface, come out. The only problem has been the fear of admitting what we want to ourselves.
I say this as someone who used to say, “I have no idea what I want; I don’t have any other skills.” I felt so lost when I left my career as a lawyer in 2014. But after reflecting and working through a lot of personal development, I found that I have an infinite amount of dreams. So many that I can’t even keep track of them. I have so many things I want in my life but I was scared to admit it to myself.
I want you to know it’s there. Your wants, dreams, and desires are just buried under a lot of fear, conditioning, and programming. And we have to excavate it. We have to uncover it if we’re going to go after what we want.
Fear of Failure
The biggest hangup I run into when asking my clients to define their wants is being afraid of saying it out loud, staking that claim, and saying, “This is what I want for my life.” We can be so afraid of this, that we would rather sit in confusion: “I don’t know what I want. I don’t even know if I can have it. So why even sit and think about it? I’m just gonna keep stumbling around in the dark hoping I land on something.”
The fear from acknowledging our desires is really a fear of disappointment and failure. We worry that if we set our sights on something, we might not achieve it. This realization could confirm our deepest insecurities–that we might not be good enough. As a result, we often settle for what we have, telling ourselves that we should be content with our current circumstances.
Fear of Success
On the flip side, success can also be intimidating. We’ve been conditioned to believe that wanting more, whether it’s more money, more time, or more impact, makes us greedy or selfish. We think, “Who am I to want this? What will people think of me?” This fear of success stems from societal expectations and the desire to fit in. We’re afraid that if we surpass others or stand out, we might lose the support and acceptance of our friends or family.
There’s nothing actually wrong with wanting more for yourself. It’s just simply that we’ve been programmed to believe it’s wrong. And you have to come to terms with that. What if you are successful? What if you put yourself out there? Answer this for yourself and see that your dreams are worth it.
Fear of Wasting Time
We are so used to being productive and constantly doing things in our lives. It can feel like running on a hamster wheel for some of us. We may be showing up and handling everything in our daily lives with no direction only to realize the choices we are making are not aligned with what we’ve admitted our dreams are.
It can feel scary to slow down and take a beat to figure out what it is we actually want before we hop into the next decision. For those struggling with taking time to evaluate what you want, the fear is often that you’re wasting time. Either wasting time on the wrong path or wasting time with inaction. Taking the time to sit with yourself and outline what you want in this life, will be the biggest time saver to getting you there.
Managing Fear, Not Eliminating It
There is nothing stopping you from going after that dream, from trying, from figuring out what you want–except for you. It’s essential to understand that fear will always be a part of the journey. The goal is not to eliminate fear but to manage it.
That feeling of fear is natural and you are still able to take action despite it. Be afraid and do it anyway. Another part of your life opens up when you can learn to do this. You will find there’s so much more available to you.
Goal Setting
Slow down so that you can take inventory of your desires and dreams and figure out what your North Star is. Once you’ve identified your desires, you can begin setting clear and actionable goals.
Whether it’s earning a certain income, working fewer hours, or making a difference in a particular field, knowing what you want is crucial for creating a roadmap to achieve it. Without a clear direction, you’ll remain stuck in a cycle of uncertainty and unfulfillment. Remember, it’s not about eliminating fear but learning to coexist with it as you embark on your journey toward a more fulfilling and purpose-driven life. If you want help managing the fears keeping you from what you want, join me inside the Quitter Club.
