Burnout Breakthrough Week 5
[00:00:00] Hello my friends, and welcome to another episode. I'm so excited to have you Here we are in the process of. Going through my Burnout breakthrough accelerator that I originally put on for my students in the Quitter Club, my paid membership, I figured I would bring it to the podcast. If you are listening to this episode, then you have missed a couple.
You can go back and listen to those. But we will continue every week to play one of the classes that will teach you a pillar of, getting out of burnout, right? A skill that you need in order to take back your life and have a little bit more time and joy and control. We'll go through all six weeks and you don't have to master all of them, you don't have to know all of them, you don't have to apply all of them, but you can pick up one or two skills that will help alleviate a lot of the pressure that we all tend to put on ourselves.
So I hope you enjoy this. We're gonna jump in and continue with our burnout Breakthrough [00:01:00] Accelerator.
Hello my friends, and welcome to week five of our Burnout Breakthrough Accelerator. I am so excited to have you guys here. We are slowly kind of chipping away at all the things that you need to start implementing in your life in order to ensure that you have a life that. Isn't gonna burn you out. That is includes rest and your own needs.
And some, oh gosh. Sorry guys. I just realized my audio is All right. We're gonna put this aside and just use the audio I have. Okay. Anyways, I apologize. I realize I was using the right, wrong microphone, but we're gonna go with it. Anyways. Every week up until now has also given you like different skills that you're gonna need to start honing.
It doesn't mean you need to be perfect at them. It doesn't mean you need to, you're gonna ace it and you're never gonna, you know, set an impossible standard or you're never gonna have a mile long to-do list. It's just that we're starting to become [00:02:00] conscious of like, yeah, I do do this and this does make me exhausted and I do feel worn out.
And we start noticing and we start chipping away little by little can I, you know, delegate some more things on my to-do list. Can I get rid of some of the shoulds? Can I you know, um, change some of the standards I'm holding myself to? And so, you can pick one to work on. You don't have to do, I'm gonna give you all.
Six things that I think like the pillars that I think you need to work on. But it doesn't all have to be all at the same time. If you haven't come to any before and you're gonna start with this, just do this one. Great. Like it will have a significant impact on your life. And then you can add the other ones as you go.
So I don't want this to be something for my perfectionist that like we're gonna take on and it's gonna be like I need to be. I need to get this perfect. 'cause you're gonna burn yourself out trying to get outta burnout. So we're gonna try to just do what we can. That's the motto. Do what you can with what you have and then when you can do better, do better.
As you learn, as you implement you can do better. Okay. [00:03:00] Up until now, the last four weeks the first four sessions have been more mostly about what you can do personally in your own brain and in your own life, right? How you are changing your own standard. How you are looking at your to-do list differently, how you are dealing with your own guilt that's in your brain.
And so a lot of what I wanted to give you is like. Tools or steps or things that you could do that you don't need anybody else to do, right? It's just like what you're already doing in your life today is arguably, I don't know, one of the bigger lessons because it has to do with other people, which tends to be a big source of a lot of our burnout.
So I think a lot of us. I think, well, I would love to not have as much to do, but my partner just doesn't, do his fair share or I would love to, not have a perfectionist standard, but my boss thinks X, Y, and z or would say this or I'll get [00:04:00] fired or whatnot. And so obviously in our lives we are in relation with tons of other people and, um, that is going to impact.
What we do, how we do it, you know, how we live our lives. And so today's lesson is how do we deal with other people and not let ourselves get burned out? Okay? How do we have these relationships in a way that is manageable? Okay? And so. Sort of the theme I, you know, I labeled it like manuals and boundaries, and I'm not gonna go as in depth into the concept of manuals and boundaries.
There's a video in stage two of the roadmap that goes more in depth into each concept. And so if you, if this is something where you're like, no, I really struggle with this, I would really, I would highly suggest going back to the portal, going to stage two and watching that. It's not a long, it's like a 20 minute video, but it will break it this down.
Even further, I wanna give you a little bit more of an overview of both of 'em [00:05:00] and some other concepts that I've sort of been thinking about as I've been thinking about how to teach this with in relationship to burnout. Okay. I'll explain what both manuals and boundaries are for people that don't know what I'm talking about.
One of the things I want us to all to understand is that a lot of what we are doing, we don't realize we are doing it, but a lot of what we do, a lot of the way we act is in order to manage other people and specifically manage their emotions. A lot of us are very uncomfortable with other people having a negative emotion, and so we will bend ourselves into pretzels to make sure that other people aren't upset, whether it's our kids, our partners, our friends, our parents, um, our boss, right?
Which is a lot of people pleasing. We all kind of know this. It's like, oh, this person wants me. I know if I say no, they're gonna be upset, so I'm gonna say yes. I know I can't take this on, but I don't want them to think I'm not a good employee and feel disappointed. I'm [00:06:00] gonna say yes. Right? And so a lot of us, um, wear ourselves thin because we're so terrified that somebody else might be upset about something.
Somebody else might have another emotion. We also try to literally control other people's actions, right? We try to control our kids. We try to control our husbands, our wives, our girlfriends, boyfriends, whatever. Our mothers, our fathers like. It's like if I, rant and rave, then maybe they'll finally start listening and they'll finally clean up their room.
If I, you know, give an ultimatum, whatever it is, it's like, I wanna control this other people, these other people. And a lot of what we do. Is in sort of getting other people to be the way that we are that we want. And I think for all of us, we've all had this thought and we likely go through this thought all the time, multiple times a day, where it's like if they would just.
It would be so much easier if they would just listen. If they would just do what I said. If my coworker would just finish their part of the project, I could [00:07:00] do mine, right? Like it's always this like, why can't people be exactly the way I think they should be? It would make my life so much easier, and it would, I know it would.
And if I could teach you how to do that, I would be a billionaire, but I can't. So I'm gonna teach you the next best thing, which is that you cannot control other people. I know it's the hardest lesson that we all have to learn, but there is so no secret option where I get people to act the way I want them to act.
People are gonna act the way they want, act. They're gonna feel the way they want to feel. They're going to have their whole range of emotions and actions, and that is okay. That is their journey. That is what they need to go through. It's totally fine. What I need to work on is to release responsibility of that.
Is to not need them to act a certain way in order for me to be okay, is to not need them to feel a certain way for me to be okay. I need to take back control of my own inner state and my own life and know [00:08:00] that I am okay regardless of how they think and feel and act. Okay. And so what we're gonna talk about today when I talk about manuals and boundaries is how do we take that back, that control?
'cause you only have two choices in life with anybody, right? You either can change how you act towards them, which we're gonna talk about with boundaries. I get to change like, Hey, I'm gonna change this relationship, or I'm not gonna put up with this anymore. It's up totally up to you. You get to do that or you get to change how you feel about it.
You get to decide. I don't wanna be upset that my kid is throwing a tantrum. I don't wanna be upset that my coworker doesn't get their work on time because that this is what's gonna happen apparently every day. I wanna change how I think and feel about this so it's not taking over all of this mental energy.
Those are my only two options. I don't get a secret option three where I change them and like we all spend all of our energy in that secret option three. Like [00:09:00] if I just. Yell more. Maybe my kids will finally listen. If I just give them the cold shoulder. Maybe they'll understand and maybe they will. I'm not saying it never works.
Obviously it has worked to a certain extent for it works in the short term. And so we keep doing it, but then we run ourselves ragged. We like burn ourselves out because we're constantly trying to get other people to act certain ways. And so we're gonna stop that, right? And we're gonna stop and. We're gonna talk about this too.
Part of this is like allowing them to feel what they're gonna feel is like. We're also gonna stop people pleasing them, which is a sort of manipulation of their emotions. It's like, I just want them to feel happy. I want them to like me. I want them to never have a bad thought or never have a discomfort, uncomfortable feeling.
So I'm just gonna do the things I don't want to do. Again, you are not gonna control how they feel, but you will control what you do. You will decide, Hey, I don't have the bandwidth for this. I can't do this. I'm not [00:10:00] gonna do it. It's okay if they're upset. And so that's what we're gonna work on.
There's two ways of doing this and I want you to just think about what you wanna do. I usually actually teach manuals first, but I think I'm gonna teach boundaries first because I actually think it's easier for you to decide whether you're gonna set a boundary or not. And then if you're not, then it's all of your work needs to be in manuals.
Okay? So we're gonna decide boundaries first. A boundary is something that you will do. A boundary is not something that they do. Okay? So I think a lot of times like people have a misunderstanding where they think that like, I'm gonna set a boundary that says like, you can't smoke anymore. That's not a boundary.
'cause again, you are not gonna control that person. So then when they do smoke, then it's gonna cause all these problems. A boundary is if you smoke, I will walk away. Or I will leave or I'll kick you outta the house or whatever. It's what I will do if you do something right, it's simply I control myself [00:11:00] and I don't have to be upset about it.
I don't have to like it. It doesn't have to bother me. I can release the fact that you're gonna smoke. Like I can work on my own thoughts about that. That's your journey. But I do get to decide that I don't like being around smoke. Okay. It could be the same thing if you yell, I will walk away. If you yell, I will no longer talk to you.
Like I will not have the conversation. I'll hang up the phone, whatever that might be. That's my boundary. That other person can keep acting however they want. I'm just telling you, I'm not gonna do this anymore. Okay. A very useful tool when you wanna implement it, when you've decided like, you know what, I don't wanna deal with this, and so this is the, um, thing that I want to do.
In order to love myself right? More. And that's okay. Now, obviously, he, I think a lot of times, again, back to the be pleasing, a lot of us wanna set boundaries, [00:12:00] but we don't want there to be any consequences or we don't want the other person to be upset. It doesn't work like that. Okay? There likely might be consequences to your boundaries.
Like you may if, especially if you're someone that hasn't set boundaries before. If you've never set a boundary with someone and people are, are used to having all access passed to you at all times to do whatever they want, and you never say no, when you start setting a boundary, people will be upset.
People are gonna rage against that boundary. That's okay. Again, one of the mantras I want us to work on is they're allowed to have their emotions. They are allowed to feel however they feel they are an adult. Usually, I mean, even with kids, it's fine. Emotions are not gonna harm them. They're an adult and they're allowed to experience what, whatever that emotion is.
They're allowed to experience disappointment, they're allowed to experience sadness. They're allowed to experience frustration. Okay? So like as you're going with boundaries, you're gonna have to [00:13:00] like coach yourself on the fact that I get to have a boundary. And it doesn't matter how other people feel about it, they likely will be upset about it if somebody.
If I say I don't wanna be around smoke, and my friend was used to me standing with her outside while she smokes every time and she gets to talk to me, she's gonna be upset that she has to stand there alone. Maybe she feels awkward. Maybe she has shame around the fact that she smokes. Maybe she doesn't wanna do it alone.
Maybe she just uses that time to gossip. Okay, great. She can be upset. I don't have to love her any less. I don't have to be angry about it. I don't have to yell at her. I can just be like, I love you and. I will not be around smoke. I don't like the way it smells, I don't like the effect it has on me. I wanna, I'm gonna walk away.
You can do what you want. You can stop smoking, or you can continue smoking. You can be mad, you can not be mad. Whatever. I'm not gonna do this. So I want you to think about boundaries in that way. The thing is, the reason I say I wanna start with boundaries first is because I think [00:14:00] boundaries is not a, not a last resort. I think you can set a lot of really healthy boundaries. I don't think we need boundaries as much as people think we do. I think right now it's kind of like this, um, really hot buzzword about like everybody on Instagram is like, everything's about boundaries and cutting people off as soon as they, you know, I don't know, are affecting your peace or whatever.
I don't think that that's realistic and I don't think that that's healthy for any type of relationship. And so I think that like, it's okay. It's good to know. For me, I know that like a boundary is usually kind of my last resort is like, have I tried to work on my own thoughts about this? And we'll talk about manuals in a second.
Have I tried to do that? Is this something I'm like, no, this is actually really important to me. I'm not gonna do. Then I go to a boundary. Okay? But it's not as common as I think that a lot of people uh, wanna believe that it is. Now another note I will say is that you don't have to like express your [00:15:00] boundaries.
You know, like it doesn't have to be a conversation. It could just be for you. You could set a boundary with yourself. So let's say you can say like, if they email me at seven o'clock. Or after six, I will not respond until the next day. That is my boundary with work because they don't own my life. They pay me for a job, and that job ends at five o'clock or at six o'clock.
And so the boundary I wanna create to everybody gets on the same page of understanding What they can expect from me is that I will not answer email after seven o'clock. My boss might be upset. There might be a consequence. Again, it's not to say that like maybe at that job, I don't know. If they pay you to be on call all the time, then you obviously can't have that boundary.
But if they don't, they might be upset about that. Okay? Either they will deal with that disappointment and they will get used to the fact that I'm not gonna respond to the next day, or maybe this isn't the place for me to work if I [00:16:00] wanna have a job where I get to have. Some work-life balance where I'm not burned out, where I get to have my evenings, then this is gonna have to be my boundary and maybe this isn't the place for me to work.
Now you have to like decide if that is worth that consequence. Is is something you're willing to take if that's something is worth it? Now? I think a lot of times we like to think there's gonna be a consequence. We like to think we're gonna get fired. Really, again, it's just that I may not be the favorite employee.
Like my boss may just be upset a little bit or you know, annoyed like, oh God, she's not gonna answer until tomorrow. And we just are so uncomfortable with someone thinking that, or someone being like, oh my God, she's not the most reliable employee I've ever had. You know, my coworkers are gonna get annoyed 'cause they're all responding and I'm not.
And now I'm not gonna be a favorite. Like most usually for a lot of us. It's things like that. And so you have to get really good at allowing other people to have those emotions. It's okay if I'm not the favorite. It's okay if they're upset. [00:17:00] It's okay if they have this emotion. If I don't wanna be burned out in my life, I have to learn how to set boundaries about when I'm available for things and when I'm not.
What I can do and what I can't, what I have the energy for what I don't. No one else is gonna set those boundaries for me, and I promise you that if you let people walk. Over your boundaries. They will. Okay. So whether that's in your, within your family home, whether it's, you know, at work or whatever it is, you have to decide.
Here's the thing I know I said like boundaries are like the last resort, and they sort of are, but we all already have boundaries that are unspoken. Hopefully we all have boundaries, right? Like you have, like, I will not, if someone physically assaults me, I will leave or go to the police or, you know, none of us are like I don't want them to feel bad about the fact that they hit me.
I'll just let them keep hitting me. You know, like we have very, you know, and in extreme situations you can kind of sort of see like, obviously I have [00:18:00] boundaries of like how people are allowed to talk deal with me or relate to me or interact with me. But what happens in the gray area is like where it's not, obviously as stark as like an assault.
It's something like, am I gonna allow my mother to talk to me this way? Because a lot of us might say like, well, I can't be rude, or I don't wanna say like, get off the phone. I have to decide, is that gonna be a boundary that like if my mother starts berating me, I'm gonna tell her I will no longer be tolerating this.
Like, when you do this, I'm gonna hang up the phone. And that's gonna cause some problems in the short term. It's fascinating watching boundaries work, how quickly other people learn how to treat you and how we think it's like this really big deal. And then within like a couple weeks, like that person won't do that thing anymore because they wanna still be in your life.
And it's like, I tolerated this for so long, why did I do this right? So you have to sort of figure out what you're willing to handle, like what other people's emotions you're willing to handle. Mostly the consequences is that. And [00:19:00] where you want to set these boundaries, right? And I want you to, like, when you're thinking about boundaries, I want you to think of it as like, if this happens, it has to be a very clear thing, then I will do what?
If I'm given more assignments than I can finish in 40 hours, which tends to happen every week, I will go to my supervisor and complain every single time or tell them or tell them I can't take it right. Like I said, if I'm emailed after seven, I'm not gonna answer. If I'm asked to take a project on with my free time, like, or if I'm asked to volunteer for some kind of panel that doesn't pay me, I will decline.
Like that's my boundary at work. I'm not gonna work. For free. Okay. And I think that a lot of times, like, again, you don't need to you don't need to express it in the sense of like, this is my boundary. But you can say like, Hey, I know you wanted me to do this project. I already have this other stuff that's taking up all my time.
What do you want me to do? Do you want me to [00:20:00] delegate some of that stuff? Do you want me to work on this next week? You can start advocating for yourself once you know your own boundary. Like, I'm not going to do this. So what's the solution here? You can also do, I mean, we can get into, again you can watch the video on it. There's a lot more about even your own mental boundaries with yourself. Like, if I stress, if I have, you know, stress about this presentation for more than 30 minutes, this is what I'm gonna do. If you, if you're someone that ruminates and stuff, you can start kind of like thinking about boundaries in that sense with yourself of like how you're gonna set boundaries, but we're not gonna get into that.
So. That is boundaries, okay? That is how you're gonna deal with other people. When it affects you you're gonna think about how you act. So I talked about how like you have two options in how you're going to deal with all the people in your life. One is you're gonna change how you act. Okay? You act not them.
You're gonna decide, this no longer works for me. So I have to change how I act in this scenario. Okay. That's boundaries. That's the first part. Like I said, I actually think [00:21:00] that's a smaller percentage of the time, what you're gonna be doing. I think the bigger percentage of the time is gonna be what we call manuals.
Okay. And it's gonna be changing how you think and feel about other people and what they're doing. Okay. Which is. Also very difficult, but it's not as it's only happening kind of internally. Okay. And so the concept of a manual is that we tend to have instruction manuals for everybody in our lives, including ourselves, by the way and how they should act, right?
If they just followed this instruction manual to a TI would be so happy, right? If. My mom didn't guilt me and she just left me alone and she didn't want me to like come over all the time if my husband took out the trash when I asked him to. If my friends just called me more and supported me or invited me to hang out, um, if my kids didn't argue [00:22:00] as much, then I could be happy.
And for a lot of us, a lot of the burnout, like I said, is like managing both our own disappointments and resentments and stuff about how other people don't act. And trying to sort of manipulate them into acting the certain ways that we want them to act. And so we're spending so much energy trying to change how other people act, which I mean, you tell me.
How's that worked out so far? Do they act the way you want them to act? Obviously not. And what's fascinating, A lot of times I have to check myself every couple of like months, every like six months. I have to give myself a reminder of like, huh, it's funny that you think. You know how everybody in the world should act Weird how you have all the answers.
You're so special goalie, you're so smart. You know how everyone should relate to everybody else. Like obviously I don't obviously like my idea of what kids should do or what my husband should do is it is just different than other people. And like sometimes I just have to humble myself to be like, I don't really, why do I think I know what everyone should do?
Of course I would like it 'cause it would make my [00:23:00] thoughts easier. It would be like, oh, how lovely. My, my friends call me the right amount. Not too much for me to get overwhelmed that I have to say no to them and not not enough that I feel like I'm unloved. Right. It's like this like very like tight ropey thing that people have to walk in order for me to be happy.
And so when you start understanding this that like, I have this very detailed instruction manual for them of what they should do, like a telltale sign that you know that you're having a manual is should, okay. She should be doing this. He should call me more. She shouldn't act like that. She should. She's old enough to know she's not supposed to do this.
He shouldn't. Whatever. Whatever you have about somebody else and what they should and shouldn't do, it's a manual. It's just a description of what you think is best for them to like, how is best for them to live. Right? And so, first is like noticing that, like, noticing that like, I think that I can't be happy.
Until other people do the things I think they should do. If my boyfriend just like, if he should [00:24:00] plan more dates, then I'd be happier. Or if he should tell me he loves me more, then I'll be happier. Right? My kids should just listen to what I say the first time then in my life would be so much easier.
Again, I think the key to understanding manuals is understanding that if they acted a certain way, then I get to think and feel better. I get to think and feel. In a different way than I do now. So if my friends called me more, I would get to think that they like me and I can feel loved, right? If my kids stopped arguing so much, I would get to think that I'm a good mom, and I could feel proud because right now, when they argue, I get frustrated because I think, like, no matter what I do, I can't teach these kids to stop arguing.
So clearly I'm doing something wrong and I feel shitty about myself, and I hate that feeling, and I hate, and so it grates on me when they fight. Because I think they shouldn't be doing this anymore at this point. They should have learned. So like clearly something's wrong, right? If my mom sta stops asking me to come over for dinner every week, then I get to stop feeling [00:25:00] guilty and I don't have to deal with this hard conversation and I can think I'm a good daughter, right?
So what we're doing when we want people to act a certain way is because we, it becomes easier for me to have the thoughts and feelings that I wanna have, which of course it does, but I'm not gonna get them to act that way. So one of the biggest keys is understanding like I don't need them to be any different in order for me to think and feel differently, right?
Like, what if I just got to believe what I wanted to believe, even if they didn't act differently? What if I got to believe that my friends like me, that I'm a good daughter, that I'm a good mom, that all of these things regardless, can be true even if these people are acting in a certain way. How much easier can my relationships be if I just let everybody else act the way they're going to act and I just get to love them anyways?
I just get to decide of course my mom is gonna guilt me. That's like literally her only language. That's all this woman [00:26:00] knows. What am I getting upset about? Of course she's gonna do that. Of course, my kids are fighting because they're seven and 11 years old, and that's what seven and 11 year olds do.
That is what children do. It does not mean that I'm a bad mom. It means that they are children and I don't need to stop that. Obviously I can like teach them certain skills, which I'm going to keep doing, but I'm gonna know that like it's not going to change, overnight. And I know that when I say this, the initial thought is like, but you can't just let everybody you know, do you know there's no consequences.
And I'm being delusional and I don't wanna think that my boyfriend loves me if he doesn't like. You know, put in the effort and whatever, blah, blah, blah. I get it. I get it. I'm gonna address that in two ways. One, you're already delusional. We're all already delusional. I think if you come to any of these coaching calls, you can see how delusional we all are, right?
It's like we have all of these that we have all this evidence that some like that. Are, we're doing great and we're getting promotions, and then we're like, oh, I don't [00:27:00] know what I'm doing in my job and I feel like I'm behind it. Like you are already believing thoughts that aren't true. Or you might have somebody that you've been with for years and you are just choosing to believe like, I just don't think he loves me that much.
That's a delusion. You don't know what that person is saying. Clearly the, their actions are showing you that they do love you, but you're choosing to believe something else. Like how many times have. For a lot of us, like thought that someone was mad at you or that they didn't love you or that like your friends just didn't like you, and then you realize that like whatever was happening had nothing to do with you.
Like they didn't call because, or they, maybe they did call and you're like, you just never got the text or whatnot, and you're like, oh, I just sat here this whole time thinking that nobody loves me. Right. We've all done it. Like we're all kind of walking around delusively. We're all creating these stories and usually our stories are just terrible.
They're like, I'm a terrible person. I'm not lovable. Nobody loves me. I'm not good enough. And we run around telling her and we're just looking for evidence. See, he didn't pick up the phone after the second ring, means he doesn't love me. Like we're just like looking for like the most random evidence to prove our story.
So it's [00:28:00] like, why not just try on another story? Why not try on another story that like, I am loved and I am lovable and they love me. And even if they decided. For whatever reason they get to do that, and I get to still feel like I'm loved. The other thing that I will say is that, I don't mean to say that like, um, oh, uh, I had put notes like I think we're talking back to about the delusional stuff.
It's so funny watching people's, like the stories they make, like where it's like, my husband didn't take out the trash, so it must mean he doesn't respect me. It's like, we don't think that's delusional that you, we've just equated the fact that this person doesn't do one chore means that he clearly.
Doesn't love you. You know, like we do that stuff all the time anyways. And it doesn't mean that you don't act again, you don't have boundaries or you don't act in a certain way, or you don't get to like, show up in the way that you want. Okay. You can, it's just that you don't have to have a lot of this painful thoughts.
So, for instance, for me, when I. Think of my [00:29:00] kids. I do this a lot of, I do a lot of manual work around my children because I tend to lose my mind for whatever reason when it comes to them. But a lot of what I think about is like when I think, oh, they shouldn't be acting like this. You know, she shouldn't, I shouldn't have to tell him again.
I shouldn't, whatever. And I catch myself and I, whenever I catch myself, I always just replace it with a thought. Well, of course they should, because this is what they're doing. Like, I just get myself back to like, this is what it is. So I couldn't, shouldn't, like, what am I sitting here arguing with reality?
I can say he shouldn't, but he is so like, of course he should because he is X, Y, and Z. How do I wanna show up now? So for me, again, this comes up a lot in parenting, is like, okay, of course they should act like seven and 11 year olds. This is where I get to parent. This is where I get to show up as a mother.
This is where I get to set a boundary. This is where I get to teach 'em. I can set a boundary and still not be angry about it and be like, they shouldn't, like, they don't respect me as a mother. They make my life so hard. I can understand, like, of [00:30:00] course they should act like this and we're gonna have a really strict boundary that like, if you fight with your sister or if you don't clean up your room, or if you, didn't finish your homework, then you don't get tablet time.
They're gonna be upset about it and there's gonna be all this stuff and I don't get ruffled. 'cause I'm like, yeah, no, I know that sucks and this is how we learn and this is how I show up to teach you. So you start learning that like it's not worth doing this thing, but they're gonna keep doing it because that's what children keep doing.
They keep pushing boundaries constantly. And I think a lot of times we just give in. And I'm not saying I do too 'cause it's just easier sometimes. But I just remind myself that like, no, they should be doing what they're doing and I get to act how I wanna act. Even with other people, right? It's like I, one of the biggest, I think, calming effects that Manuels have had on me is again, accepting people for who they are and then deciding how I wanna interact with them.
So there might be certain friends where I'm like, you know what? They should they can act however they [00:31:00] want. There's no, I don't need to get upset about like, why aren't they calling me back? Why don't they ever initiate plans? Why don't they, they clearly, I'm like, okay, they should act. This is the level with which they wanna put into this relationship.
Okay, good. Good to know. I get to also decide what I'm gonna put in. Maybe I don't call anymore or maybe like, okay, I can just accept. I can be disappointed that we're not gonna be best friends or always together. I can understand that like maybe I like them more than they like me, which is totally possible and totally normal.
And there's tons of people that like me more than I like them, and this is just the way it is. And so I can decide, like I'm not gonna put in as much effort in if they don't call me, I won't call them. If they don't set up the plans, then I'm not gonna be the one that initiates. I can create that boundary with people because I don't wanna keep being disappointed, let's say, or I wanna understand like, okay, this is the nature of this relationship without working myself up so much about the fact that they should just be different.
I want them to be different because I wanna [00:32:00] feel loved by them, and I wanna feel like I get to have this relationship, but I can't force people into a relationship. So what I can do is just accept them how they are, and then decide how I wanna act. Okay. And so between these two concepts, and again, I think that like part of this also plays into, um, a lot of people pleasing is that a lot of times we people please in order to get people to change how they act so we can feel better.
Okay? So it's like my boss shouldn't be upset all the time, or my boss shouldn't be like, a curmudgeon. So maybe if I show up early and I do all this work, extra work, like maybe he'll be happy. Right? And so a lot of us end up like people please, because we want other people to like change how they're acting, how they're thinking, how they're feeling, so that then I can feel calm and be like, oh no, he does like me.
Or I'm a good employee. All of this is like, this work is helping me give people back their own [00:33:00] emotions and allow people to be whoever they are, however they wanna be, and then I get to decide how I wanna show up. And so I get to decide like it's okay that he's a curmudgeon. It's okay that he is just not the most friendly person.
It's okay that he doesn't love me that much. It's okay that I'm not the favorite employee. It's okay that he doesn't praise me all the time. I don't have to like keep killing myself in order to try to change that so I can feel better. I can feel better about myself right now. I can know I'm a good employee.
I can know I do good work. I can know that I'm giving good enough effort. I can work on those thoughts and feelings without having to constantly do more to change how other people are acting. Does this make sense? And so as you're thinking about burnout, what, when? This is kind of a larger obviously concept, and this one is gonna be something that, it's gonna take a lot of work and a lot of, like, you are gonna chip away at it very slowly.
You don't even have to. What I would suggest for this week is just pick one [00:34:00] manual to try to drop. Find someone that you have a manual, like they should act a certain way and think about how you can drop that and let them just be how they're gonna be and decide how you're gonna act. And or do one boundary, like if they do this, I'm gonna do this.
And set a boundary for yourself and you can practice it. This is gonna be like a, it's a bigger task because if you, especially if you've been like, programmed to be a people blazer from a child, it's very uncomfortable to sit with other people's discomfort. And that takes practice to kinda learn to let, let them be okay.
And let that. Let, let them have their negative emotions. Um, so we don't have to do that overnight. But I do think that one of the bigger things with burnout is learning this skill because I think for so many of us, we're running on these hamster wheels to try to make everybody else happy. We want our kids to be happy, and we want our boss to be happy, and we want our coworkers to love us, and we want our, you know, everybody needs to like, be okay in order for me to feel okay.
And if that's the case, then I'm never gonna get off this hamster [00:35:00] wheel. Because people are always gonna have negative emotions. I mean, we've all seen, this is why there's so much resentment. I think like a big indication of people pleasing is just resentment because you try to, people please, you do. You go above and beyond.
You're already exhausted, and that person is still upset or that person is still not in a good mood, or that person still, snaps at you and you're like, I can't win. Like, are you kidding? I did all this stuff and you're still not happy. And so. Until you start realizing like, yes, because they're human and they're just gonna have those emotions, and that's okay.
I'm not responsible for it. And so this week I want you to really think about in relation to other people, where am I trying to control people's behaviors and their thoughts and feelings, and when can I give it back to them? When can I decide they're allowed to feel however they want, and I get to still think and feel what I want?
I get to still think I'm a good employee. I am a good mother. I'm a good daughter, a child or whatever friend, whatever it is. I don't need other people to [00:36:00] continue to validate that for me. I have enough evidence of that already. Lizzie says, Ugh, yes. People pleasing leads to so much resentment. Yes, it does.
And I think that it actually though, if you use it when, once you know that it's a really beautiful arrow to show you where your people pleasing, so find your resent where you're resentful, and I will show you exactly where your people pleasing. Right? And so then it becomes easier for you to be like, oh, I'm sort of creating this cycle.
What's fascinating is people is like, a lot of times people don't even ask for it. It's like they didn't ask you to bend yourself into a pretzel, you just decided to do it. And then when they're not happy, then you are mad. And that person's like, what? I, you know, like, like I get to be mad. And so when you can let go of responsibility for everyone else's emotions it becomes easier to let go of like the need to please them.
And I think for all of us, like I just want you to see, like look at your capacity to feel negative emotion. Why is it that you, you know that you can do it and you can take on everyone else's, but everyone else shouldn't have a negative emotion. It's like [00:37:00] we're all gonna have it, we're all gonna feel it.
In this world, no one's escaping negative emotion. So like the more we give trust that like they are an adult and they can handle emotion and emotion, they can be disappointed, they can be sad, they'll be fine, it's gonna be okay. And in fact, I actually think that it creates so much, such a richer, healthier relationship.
Because when you're not having to tiptoe around people, when you're not having to put on an act where you're not having to, like sometimes people feel like they need to act like they're happy all the time 'cause this other person can't handle it, you know? And so they can't show their real emotion. They can't be vulnerable.
And I think that the more you can like, really allow yourself to be who you are and be human and let them have the emotions that they're gonna have the deeper you can have a connection with someone. You know that when they're doing something or they know when you're doing, you're doing something, you're doing it because you really want to, not because you're just afraid that they're gonna be upset.
So that's what we're gonna work on this week, is manuals and [00:38:00] boundaries. Like I said, I think that manuals is the much bigger portion. It's the biggest work that we do because we constantly think other people should be doing different things, and so just practice like letting go of that should, I mean.
We're talking down to like how someone drives on the street, you know, like it's other cars, like they shouldn't drive like that. And I just want you to just catch it and be like, what if they should? What if that's exactly the way that person should be driving? Why am I getting all upset about it? You know, like, what if I should just slow down and let them go ahead?
Like we, we waste so much emotion, so much anger, so much resentment. Frustration at how other people should be. And I think like when you can let that go, it frees up so much of your life to be like, other people are gonna act how they're gonna act. How do I wanna act here? Okay. Questions, comments, concerns?
. This was so good. Thank you. You're so welcome. I will say that like, that's why I think that this is the heart, one of the hardest lessons to kind of [00:39:00] implement. So don't think that you need to move on and just all of a sudden be like, uh, okay, I can do all these boundaries and stuff, but this is the perfect thing to bring to coaching.
So if you are dealing with in relationships, whether that's at work, whether it's with your family or whatnot, and you find yourself, you know, constantly trying to please them, constantly trying to wish they were different. Bring that to coaching so we can work on it. 'cause we can find some thoughts that you can then practice that will be easier for you to release.
A lot of that, like I said, I mean, I still my kids really well. It, it, maybe it's because it's the most like demanding job that's speaking of my daughter is literally just peeking in the door. Mila close the door.
It is the most demanding job all the time, 24 7. And so it can wear you down. But I will say that like for me, just learning to like do this manual work with my children has. [00:40:00] Fundamentally changed how I've approached motherhood and it has saved me from so much unnecessary pain of like really thinking that they should be different and that I should be different, and that I only get to think of myself a certain way if they act a certain way.
And so, it has really helped me, like just in that if I didn't use it for anything else, I feel like manuals would've changed my life with just with my kids. Now I use it all the time, but like. I do think you can even just figure out like where is a very trying relationship for me? You don't have to go for the hardest relationship you have, but I just think can I just find those shoulds and see if I can release that energy like that?
All of the energy I waste on that, it can free up a lot of space. Says to clarify, you have manuals for yourself too, right? Or is it fundamentally about others? No, we absolutely have instructional manuals for ourselves. So like again, when we were going like the same thing we did the week one where we did the to-do list.
You can write out your own instruction manual. How should I act all the time? How should I act at work? How should I act at home? How should I act with my kids? And you can see how absurd it is, right? And how you're [00:41:00] never gonna even live up to your own instruction manual, right? Like I might have an instruction manual, like as a mother, I should always be patient and I should always wanna have time and I should always listen and I should never.
Lose my temper and I should always wanna be with them. I should never want to like get away from them. 'cause that makes me, you know, it's like, it's such an absurd thing. And when you look at it and you're like, okay, well that's never gonna happen. And it's not human to happen. So like, what if I just drop that and be like, no, I should, I should want time alone and I should lose my temper sometimes because I'm a human and I should, you know, and I can repair and I can do all this other stuff.
But when I let go of like how I'm supposed to act, it makes it easier to just show up as a human. Ah, that week one was manuals for ourselves. Got it. It sort of, week one was like. Not specifically a manual. 'cause it wasn't a a, a lot of it was a lot of your to-dos are all the things that you think you have to do.
But manuals goes a step further 'cause it's also how you should act, right? So your to-dos is like all the stuff you have to do at home, like you have to cook, you have to [00:42:00] clean, you have to, you know, do all these things. The problem is that like with manuals is like, we take that one step forward and it's like, I should be happy about it.
I should love cooking for my family and I should love having family meals all the time and I should love having people over. So it's like we're like adding on to more things that we should be doing. Not just that I'm even like, um, running this house, it's like I should love sitting down and playing Legos with my kid, but I don't, so like, I don't, you know, like where does that leave me?
You know? So I think it's a little bit different than the to-dos. I think you can add onto it and I think it would be really eye-opening to. Add another list of like all the shoulds of like how you should show up in every relationship. 'Cause they're absurd. And I think when you can let that go for yourself, gosh, life changing.
All right, that's what I got for you guys. We're gonna work on manuals and boundaries this week. We're gonna. Go out there and drop all these shoulds. We're gonna let people have uncomfortable emotions. Honestly, a really great, [00:43:00] easy task for this week. Um, and I'll put the, I'll put some, the worksheets for the manuals and boundaries in the community later.
But a really simple task is looking at where you're feeling. Where you are feeling uncomfortable that someone else is having an emotion. Just notice that even if you don't change it, just notice that, like the tension you feel when somebody else is upset, because that's usually what's like the drive like that gets you to act as like a people pleaser or whatnot, right?
It is like, uh, oh, my mom's upset. The kids are upset. Somebody, I gotta change something. Right? It. Just notice that trigger of like, huh, this person's having a negative emotion, and I am going into like fight or flight that like, oh, I gotta change this. And a beautiful mantra that you can practice. I say this to myself a lot when I notice myself doing this, is like, [00:44:00] I don't have to be blank about your blank.
I don't have to be sad about your sadness. I don't have to be mad about your anger. I don't have to be tense about your tension, right? Like I have to just remind myself like, just because this person. Is angry. I don't have to also be angry or I don't have to jump in and fix it, right? Like I get to decide how I wanna kind of show up to this and they get to have that emotion.
And so when you start noticing that other people's emotions really triggers you, you can start sort of, a little bit of rewiring of like, it's okay. It is okay. If they're upset, it's okay if they're having a human experience. It's okay if everybody's not happy. I'm not responsible for making everybody happy all the time.
What an impossible job we've given ourselves. Right? It's like nobody's happy all the time. So the more you can start, like just noticing when someone else is o upset and letting yourself be okay with them being upset or, or just uncomfortable or frustrated, you know, it can not only like, again, help you, [00:45:00] but it's, I think it's such a shift, like, I'm going off on a tangent, but again, going back to the kids.
At some point, we lost this idea that like, people should feel frustrated, people should feel bored. Like that's where they find solutions for their own problems. That's where the, your biggest ideas come from. That's what, there's just so much in it When someone is constantly jumping in to try to fix it so that you never have a negative emotion, they're not doing you a favor, they're handicapping you to never be able to feel that emotion.
So when it's, whether it's your child, children, or whether it's your, you know, adults, it's like. Your boss is running a company and that comes with frustration and that comes and like you have to do your part, but that's all you have to do. You are not responsible for them being stressed out because sales are down.
Like you have to really like understand where your role is in this and like where other people are learning their own. Coping mechanisms and how to deal with this and everyone's not gonna be happy. And like allowing them to learn how to do that and have that emotion is a skillset that they [00:46:00] need. So you're really helping them if you really think about it.
How nice of you. All right, my friends, that's what I got for you last week is our last week of the Burnout Breakthrough Accelerator. We'll spend this week kind of noticing. Other people's emotions noticing when we want to when we sh we're shooting on them, like what all the things they should do.
And we'll start chipping away. And then we will finish it off next week. And that's all I got for you. Bye friends.