Hello my friends and welcome to another episode. I'm so excited that you are here. I wanna ask you a question. What would you do if nobody else had an opinion about your life? I want you to really think about that. I want you to like, take some time to journal on it. What are the things you would try, right? What are the things you would just go after, just for the fun of it? What are the risks you might take? Um, what are the things that you would do to take back your time or to redefine what happiness means to you? I want you to really spend some time answering that question. Don't just like, and you might hear it and then kind of move on, but spend some time like if nobody else had an opinion about what I did, what would I do?

What would I try? What would I put out there? Would I try a new hobby? Would I start a business? Would I speak on a subject that I feel really passionate about? What are the things I would do? I think that for so many of us, we don't realize how much the opinion of others dictates our lives, dictates our entire life of what we do and what we don't do. And until you can learn how to manage that a little bit, it's not to say you're gonna get rid of it, but until you can learn how to manage that, it will control your decisions. And at the end of your life, you'll regret it. And the reason I know is because it is the number one regret of people that are dying. They've done tons of studies. There was a book written about it of hospice workers that talk to people that are on the, their deathbed.

And the number one regret is, I wish I had lived a life that was truer to myself, not a life that others expected of me. We already know the answer there, right? We already know that this is what people regret because all of us do it. Okay? So the first thing I want you to understand is like, it's normal. It's not just you. We are evolutionarily wired to care about what other people think, right? We are tribal beings. The way that we were wired is to seek the comfort of the tribe. And there is this balance, right? We talk about now. And if you've been around, you know that I talk a lot about how important community is. It is important to be in community with other people. We are not islands. We are not meant to live our life alone. And so when you wanna be in community with other people, you do have to care about what other people think to a certain extent because you have to be able, in order for community to work, everybody has to be able to, um, sort of abide by social norms, right? There's a reason we have social norms. There's a reason we sort of people get ostracized or whatnot. It is a way of not controlling people in like a bad way, but it's like you want people to act within certain norms or it doesn't work. Community doesn't work. Um, you want people to sort of feel shame or guilt if they do something that is, um, considered quote unquote bad for the group that is maybe going to threaten the group. And so these sort of rules.

Do come about for a reason. And I think that again, when we have this wiring belief that like if I get kicked outta the tribe, I'm gonna die. Because you know, for a lot of human history, when you got kicked outta the tribe, that might mean that you don't have shelter or you don't have food. It might mean starvation. It might mean getting attacked by wild animals. It would mean actual physical harm. It no longer means that, okay, it no longer is that I'm going to end up homeless or I'm gonna end up like not having, not being able to, to provide for myself or I'm gonna end up starving. It means that I might be embarrassed, right? It means I might get rejected. It means that somebody might have a judgment of me. That's what it means now. But our brain doesn't understand the difference between those.

Our brain doesn't understand like if people make fun of me, it doesn't mean that I'm gonna die and I can still do this thing while I, um, feel these negative feelings. I can still go after the dream I want and be okay. I'm gonna make it through and I can find another community. Like we understand that. But again, I think our body doesn't understand that. And that is why oftentimes like if you go and you try to speak in front of people, it truly feels like you're gonna die. Like the way that your heart is beating, the way that you are sweating, the adrenaline that is pumping through you is getting you ready for fight or flight. It is getting you ready to run from a tiger and all you're doing is saying words in front of people, right? But your brain doesn't understand the difference of that because there's this, um, sort of risk of losing social capital, right?

That where we equate that to the equivalent of being killed being mauled, right? And so it's not to say that it isn't a normal reaction. It is, but you can start minimizing that. You can start overriding that part, like rewiring it a little bit. Again, you don't want to rewire it totally because you do wanna be a part of communities and you have to learn to sort of live within that. But it's simply noticing like, where is this overblown? Where is this kind of taken over where I'm not actually gonna get rejected from this, I'm just gonna have to feel some embarrassment, right? And so I want you to really think about like, you know, is this reaction I'm having proportionate to the action I'm gonna take? Are people actually going to kick me outta the tribe? Am I actually gonna get completely left by my family and friends and stuff?

Or do I have to worry about some of one on high school seeing my TikTok video? You know, like what is the level we're talking about here? Um, 'cause here's the thing, people always have opinions on your life. They just will because people have opinions. You have opinions on tons of people's lives. We all do, right? It's again, a normal part of being a part of community, being a part of this world. It's like to have your own beliefs and your own judgments about what other people are doing. And I think for so many people, we spend so much time trying to.

Control other people's opinions instead of changing your own thoughts about their opinions. So here's what I mean. If people have an opinion about your life that you don't have an insecurity about, that you don't already have that thought about, you don't care. Okay? I'm gonna give you an example. If for instance, your best friend or you know, your cousin or your mom comes and is like, tells you in like a really snarky way, I think you should dye your hair blue. You'd look a lot better with your hair blue. What would you think? Most of us would not be like, oh my God, should I dye my hair blue? Oh my God, has everybody been talking about this? Like, do I look bad with black hair? Maybe I should go blue. Maybe they're right. No, you likely would be a little confused and you'd be like, all right, now I don't want my hair to be blue.

And you'd move on and maybe you'd think about it. Maybe you wouldn't. Maybe you'd think about it 'cause you'd be like, they're kind of losing it, but you wouldn't lose sleep over it. You wouldn't change your whole life. You wouldn't be like, oh my God, I gotta go out today and I gotta go dye my hair blue because my mom said I have to dye my hair blue, right? Because you likely have never thought the thought I should have blue hair, right? You're not worrying like, should I, does everyone think I should dye my hair? Like, is this something I should worry about? It's just something that hasn't crossed your mind. So when someone else gives you that thought and says that it's not an insecurity, it doesn't trigger anything in you. Now when you are gonna do something that you do have insecurities about, which is gonna happen, so let's say you wanna start that business or you wanna like become that speaker, you wanna write that book, you wanna post on Instagram or TikTok, you likely have a lot of thoughts about it.

Okay? Let's say you wanna quit the job or you wanna take a gap year, you likely already have the thoughts of like, what if this is the wrong choice? Or what if I regret it? What if it doesn't work? What if, um, I run outta money? What if I can't get a job when I get back? What if I put this out and people think it's cringey? What if I look like an idiot, right? Like, those are all the thoughts that are kind of running on the background. Even if they're not like conscious, if you're not thinking of them consciously, they're there. Okay? So when someone else voices their opinion, it's a trigger for your own insecurity. So when they say like, are you sure you wanna take your, you wanna quit in this economy, you're not gonna be able to get a job. Are you sure you wanna take a gap year?

I don't know, it might be hard for you to get, um, another job there that is going to trigger you and that might require you come, like make you defensive. I think a lot of times, like especially with our parents, if our parents aren't voicing opinions that we kind of have an insecurity about, we feel like we have to defend it because we are defending it to ourselves, right? We're like, no, it is a good idea and it is gonna, and I haven't figured out and I already like, and you know, you might get in a fight or you might take it as like, maybe they're right, maybe I am gonna regret this.

Maybe I don't wanna hear them say I told you so I don't wanna think about this if it does fail or whatnot, right? And so we go in this kind of, um, we sort of shut down, like maybe we put off our dream, we don't do the thing that we're afraid of, we give into that insecurity, and then we think it's because of what other people think, but it's really because it is triggering that. So let's say, even if it's like embarrassment or rejection, if I wanna post something on TikTok and the reason that I am worried about what other people are gonna think is because I think it's cringey, I think it's embarrassing. I think like, what the hell am I doing? Getting on here and talking? Nobody cares. Everyone's gonna look at this and be like, oh, who does she think she is?

Because I think, who does she think she is? Right? And so the reason I'm telling you all this is because I think for a lot of us, we think like I have to sort of control how other people think. I have to, you know, have the best channel and make sure that my videos are really like, look really good and I have to, and we try to overcompensate in certain ways, or I have to have a 12 step plan that I know if I leave to do this gap year, um, I have a job lined up or I do all of these things because I'm sort of trying to, uh, massage how other people are gonna to, I'm gonna trying to like show them like, look, I've already taken care of this, right? A lot of what you need to focus on is how do I work on my own insecurity, right?

How do I change my own thoughts? If my thought is like, this is cringey or this is embarrassing, what are some other thoughts? I want to think that will it empower me to post on Instagram or TikTok, right? Maybe I wanna think like, this is where I have the audacity to show up to just take up space. Maybe it's cringey and I wanna show myself that like, I am still allowed to be heard and to be seen, right? This is where I learn how to, um, do things that aren't quote unquote cool, but allow me like creativity and some capacity to try new things. And like that is more worth it. I can feel a little embarrassed and be okay, right? When I work on, when I practice those thoughts, it becomes a lot easier when somebody else says to me like, oh my God, aren't you embarrassed?

Aren't you gonna be embarrassed posting? I can be like, yeah, I am. To be honest, I have thought about it a lot and I've just decided that like I'd rather not spend my life limiting myself to all the things I can do because I might be embarrassed. I'll just feel embarrassed and be okay, right? Or I can say like, yeah, you're totally right. It might be a risk to take a gap year. And I'm willing to take that risk because I would rather have gone out and lived my life the way I wanted and have the experiences that I wanted and come back and maybe I'll struggle a little bit to get a job. Maybe instead of a six months, it takes me a year, but I have this much saved and you know, I have this plan and I could start, you know, doing Uber or whatnot if I need to. And I'm willing to do that, to have this experience of having this gap year. Like notice how different it becomes when you don't have to fight with other people's opinions. You don't have to control other people's opinions. You don't have to justify it to other people. You don't have to get them to understand. You don't even have to explain it because when you know for yourself, you're like, yeah,

I get it. You're not wrong. This is a risk. I know the risk and I'm willing to do this risk and I've worked on my own thoughts to get to this point where like, I even accept like I also feel scared or I also feel uncertain, or I do feel embarrassed, or I do have this cringe factor and yet I'm gonna do it anyway. I think I can do this. I'm gonna figure it out. I'll figure it out when I get back. I think for so many of us, like it's simply like taking what we think other people's opinions are and like we make a story about it, of what we make it mean, right? If somebody says that, um, I shouldn't take this gap year, then what they mean is that I'm being irresponsible and I don't know what I'm doing and um, I'm acting childish or whatever.

Let's just say like that's what I'm making it mean. But it doesn't have to mean that it could just mean that like, I have a different risk tolerance. Like I can make it mean something else. Like again, I just did that is the episode of like, um, my trip to Iran. And like a lot of people told me that it's risky to go and that's not that they're wrong. I kept thinking like, yeah, I get it. I might not be choice for a lot of people, especially with their kids. They might be like, it's not worth that risk for me that like maybe something will happen and then I'll regret it, so I'm not gonna do it. I totally understand that. And I had to like accept that. And instead of trying to rail against it and be like, no, you guys are crazy, there's no risk and I'm being a good mom.

It's like, this is a risk I'm willing to take. There is absolutely a possibility that some could go wrong. And I'm willing to do that because like, it's important for me, for my children to see the culture that they're from and we're just gonna, we're gonna minimize the risk as much as possible and we're still gonna do it. And so I want you to really think about like that reframe of like, their discomfort is their business, their worries, their fears or their business. But my worries, my fears are my business, right? I don't have to convince them. I don't have to get them to understand. I just have to work on my own thoughts and feelings about what I'm doing. So this was like a really big thing for me. When I wanted to quit my job, I knew people were gonna tell me I was crazy.

I knew people were gonna tell me I was gonna gonna regret it. I knew my family was gonna be fearful because they wanted to protect me. I knew I was gonna come across that. And so one of the things I did is I didn't actually share it with a lot of people until I was really certain for myself. And then I worked on a lot of my own fears and I really kept thinking like, yeah, I might regret it. There's totally a chance, but I'm still willing to do this. And so when I had those conversations, I wasn't combative. I didn't try to explain it. I can't tell you for how many years I heard, are you sure you don't wanna go back? And I was just like, no, I get that. That's your opinion because you live in a different kind of like fear-based system where you think that like leaving is, I don't know, whatever it is, you think that's great. Those can be your fears. That's your, I I respect it too. I totally get it. I don't even have to fight it, but it's not mine. And so I also don't have to explain it.

I don't have to tell you. Like, I honestly would remember so many conversations where I would just smile and they're like, you should like really think about going back. And I was like, uh huh. Okay, I will take that under consideration. Duly noted, thank you. And I would move on. 'cause I'm like, I don't need to explain to you why I am doing this or what I'm preparing, or you're right. Maybe it was a mistake and then I'll learn this mistake and I'll, it'll make me stronger or better in some way and it'll take me the next thing. And it's my mistake to learn. I'm gonna own this mistake. This is me. You don't need to worry about it. It's not affecting your life. I'm not asking you for money. I'm not asking you to support me. I'm like, if you are, then that is a different conversation.

But I think that when you start realizing that like I don't ever have to convince other people, I just have to stop letting their opinions dictate what I do. I have to look at like where from that opinion do I also have that fear? And how can I work on that fear? And then when I work on that, it becomes so much easier for me to do the thing I wanna do. Okay? The thing is, is that your life is yours. It's your responsibility. That's the good news and the bad news. Like you get to live it, but you also have to deal with the consequences of what you do and don't do. And I think what we don't realize a lot of times is that you are letting people dictate what you do, but they don't have to live with the consequences of your life, right?

I could have stayed as a lawyer because it made other people uncomfortable that I was quitting because they thought I was throwing things away because they grew up in a different era because they thought that that stability was, you know, more important than anything. And that's fair. And I could have done that, but then I would've had to live with the last 10 years of working in a career that I hated that made me miserable. Just so other people don't feel uncomfortable, just so other people think, oh, I'm, you know, in line and I'm doing the thing I need to do. And I wasn't willing to do that. Let other people be uncomfortable. They're okay. They're dolls. They can handle their own feelings. You other people 'cause comfort is not your problem. Your life is your problem. You have to figure out what you want for your life.

And so I, the reason I went back to this, the question that I started with is that you have to sort of see where you are hindering yourself. I want you to just ask yourself like what are the things that you are, you would try if other people didn't have an opinion on your life? And then I want you to ask yourself why you are not doing that now? Why you are not letting yourself do these things just because other people have an opinion on it. Where are the insecurities that you could work on to let yourself do that thing so that you can go out and have the one life that you have and live it the way that you want? And if you want help with that, I'm around the quitter club's close, but , I'm around to help you. I'm gonna figure out how I'm gonna do it. My mission is to help people create the lives that they want, not the lives that everybody around them thinks they should have or the lives that society told us is what is successful. I want you to figure out what you want. I want you to go after it. So ask yourself that question and answer it today and figure out one small step that you can take towards living the life that you want on your terms. All right, my friends, I hope this was helpful. I will see you next week with another episode.