Hello my friends and welcome to another episode. I'm so excited that you are here. I'm finally back for a new episode. I usually, uh, Put out a new episode every week, and if you're watching on YouTube, I Apologize that the last two weeks I have just Rerun an old episode before I had started YouTube, so it was just audio Only. I only put it out in the podcast. Maybe A good reminder to follow, Uh, subscribe to the podcast as well, but I hadn't been able to make a video because As you can probably still hear, Um, I got the illness from hell. I was sick for like three weeks. Um, I got a sinus infection. It was bad and it was the most, I’ve been sick in a really long time. I know this year They say that the Cold and flu season is brutal, and I can attest to it. Me and my children all got extremely sick. Luckily, We are all A lot better. I still sound like this, so you're gonna have to deal with it. And I apologize for disappearing on the YouTube folks, but I'm back and I've been thinking about This topic for a While. I wanted to Cover, I did a episode like I think Like, um, you know now with the Replay, it's probably three or four Episodes ago, and it was About how You shouldn't do it alone, about the answer to so much Of our struggle is Community about How, Um, important it is. And I gave you some steps on like how to find a community or how To start Building community.

But I wanted to expand on that topic because I'm so Glad that The conversation around community is being had about How we Are seeing that we are lacking community and how much that is a problem. And we do talk about it right now if you go on, on social media, there's a lot of conversation about How Capitalism really Thrives On keeping us separated on this hyper individualism because instead of, you know, asking your friend for a ride To the airport, you Get an Uber, you know, instead of burdening your friends by, by staying at their house, you rent an Airbnb, right? You're spending more money to make sure that you don't ever inconvenience anybody else. Um, and that Is what Capitalism thrives on. And yes, that is true, But there's just aspects of how to be A good community member, How to build That community that I don't think are being talked about as much. I think it's starting. And so I wanna talk about It because It's one thing to say like community is the answer, but I think a Lot of people Aren't willing to do the Work that is Required in order to have a community. And so I wanna talk about like what makes you a good community, community member and how to Really figure out if you Are putting in what you need to. Because one of the things I've noticed Is we talk About the loneliness epidemic and you know, what is happening in, in culture right now where people are feeling really disconnected and they are feeling really lonely. And I think that oftentimes It is easier To simply complain or to point out all of the, you know, um, causes Of it Or to blame other people, Which is Valid. Not to say that Those Discussions shouldn't happen, But I always like Think about like, well, what am what are you doing to contribute to your own loneliness? Not as a way of blaming, not as a way of being, it's your fault. No, you're in a society that Is sort of, Um, Created The situation. And yet I think some people still have community.

And I look at like the difference, and this is something I've thought about for a really long time because I have Grown up in a culture that is very community based. I grew up in a culture that is Very much more focused on the group than the individual. And then I grew up in America, which is more focused on the individual than the group. And so I've constantly compared The two. And I will Say There's pros and cons to both. Like before we even start this discussion, I want you all to know that with anything that we talk about or anything even on social media, You have to Look for the nuance. Our culture is so obsessed with Black and white, like right and wrong and the good and bad and canceling and you know, praising. And this person is saying it the right way and that person is wrong or whatnot. And Typically the Truth is somewhere in the middle. And there is, you know, if you listen to the podcast, you know that I talk a Lot about 50 50 About life being 50 50 About how there Always is kind of good and bad. And I think it's the same with this, like, as I've observed both cultures That I've grown up in, um, There’s Pros and cons to both, Okay? The Reason that I think individualism sort of there was a rise of individualism is that there Are a lot of downfalls To community. One of them being that There Is kind of, it's inescapable To Be a part of kind of group think you Are either kind of In with the in crowd So to speak, or with What is quote unquote normal in that group, Or you are ostracized. And so I think for a lot Of people who Maybe Their Lifestyle was different or they were different or whatnot, it's very Easy to feel Rejected by a community or to feel harmed by one to want to go and find a different community.

And I think that is something that's really beautiful about individualism is like knowing that like, Just because I feel different doesn't mean there's anything wrong with me, but like I don't need to subscribe To Maybe some really harmful Beliefs That this community has or whatnot. So I don't think that it's like, You know, you Throw the baby out with the bath water. Like I think there Is a lot to be said for certain Aspects of individualism, Of Really learning about how who you are and being grounded in that and loving that and uh, protecting that. That said, I think that that Also With like anything, like any pendulum, it can swing too far to The extreme where We do become an island where we Decide like, well, I, so I have to protect Myself so much. I, you know, and we sort of make ourselves These really fragile Things where I can't have anybody that Disagrees With what I think or comments on the way that I Live or gives Any type of negative comment. And, um, That is, That makes it almost impossible To be In a part of a community. And I want us to think about that. Like What do we have to sort of accept, Endure, I don’t know what word you Want to use, but what reality do I have to accept if I want to be a part of a community?

I recently Saw Like a TikTok Where somebody had made it and said, everybody wants a village, But Nobody wants to be a villager. And I saw another tweet where somebody said annoyance, something like annoyance is the price of community. And both Are so perfectly, You know, They Perfectly encapsulate What it Actually means to be a part of community. 'cause everybody wants community. We all want to feel connected, we all want to feel loved, we all want to be supported, But We don't wanna deal with the annoyance that comes with that. And so I want us to really think about if I'm really Serious About wanting a community, what am I willing to put up with? What am I willing to do? Okay, the First thing that you have to understand if you want to be a part of community is that you have To help people. You have to also give there, It's a give and take. And in order to, you know, Be, Create these natural connections, you have To give without Expectation. It cannot be like a tit For tat like, I drove you to the airport because I know I need a ride to the airport next week. It's simply caring about the people that you are in community with.

It's doing it in order to, um, show community care Is to Show like somebody is in need or needs something I'm willing to help. Okay? And oftentimes it may not even be quote unquote Help, It may just be showing up, Right? So all Those things where like for, you know, we see all those memes where We are All like hoping that people cancel plans. And I get it, I feel the same way. It feels so much more comfortable and enjoyable sometimes to just be at home half the time when I get invited to things. I don't wanna go and I'm like, I don't wanna have these conversations, I don't wanna be out there whatnot. But that is the cost, right? Showing up for people when it's their, you know, baby shower or when they're opening their business and they're having a premiere or Whatever, whatever It is they're doing, open mic night or whatnot. It is though these sort Of like, um, it's almost like, um, depositing in a bank, right? Like you're Depositing this goodwill That you show up for your people And that requires you To be outside, which is a lot for a lot of us. A Lot of people don't like being outside, which I get, but Your community is not gonna just be in your home. And so It, Again, when people tell me even if they wanna build a community, let's say For their job, right? Or they wanna build a community, they say like, oh, I don't have any connection with my coworkers. I'm always curious of like, do you put in effort to make connection?

Do you go out to let's say happy hours? You don't have to have a community with your coworkers, by the way. You don't have to have community. You can decide who your community is. But when you, if you do want to build that, you have to look in the mirror and ask yourself, am I doing the things that cultivate a community, right? Am I connecting with people, right? Am I like, uh, giving, helping, showing up for the people that I want in my life? Even it, especially when I would say it is not in my benefit. Of course, it's easy when we want to go to something, right? When you want to, when it's your best friend and it's a party you wanna go to or that's, you know, uh, somebody puts together a book club and you love books and you know that's your cup of tea. Those are easy to show up with. But that's not, um, that's not going to be the case all the time and that's okay, right? It could be like, I know for me, I am a part of very tight knit community with my family and you know, um, family, friends that I've grown up with and there are tons of events that I quote unquote have to, I don't have to, but like I'm sort of expected to go and I do feel obligated to go and I do. And there's some that I love. There's some with a lot of my favorite people and it's gonna be my type of party or event and it's, you know, at times that I like and it's great. And then there's tons that I don't that it's just gonna be a drag, that it's, you know, going to a graduation that I don't wanna sit in the sun and listen to the two hours of graduation or you know, maybe a baby shower that's not that exciting or I don't know the person that well and it's like the child of somebody that's close to my mother or whatnot.

And yet all of those are also still part of community because I know that when I have something or when I need something, not everybody is super thrilled maybe to be there. Not to say that they're not happy, but like maybe it's not their favorite thing to do and yet it's all a part of this kind of culture of give and take, right? And so you have to be willing to give, you have to be willing to inconvenience yourself. You have to be willing to do things that you don't wanna do. Um, the second part of that is you have to be willing to get help. This one seems a little counterintuitive. Like it seems like one of the reasons we all know, like the reason a you want a community is because you want people to show up for you. But this hyper individualism, one of the worst things that it's done for us is that it has made so many people feel as though they should never inconvenience someone, right? That they would rather pay somebody else to solve their problems or, um, that you just never wanna be a burden on any anyone. And I think that one of the things that you have to understand is one of the things that binds people together, I would say the thing that binds people together the fastest is vulnerability, right? And part of that is showing your humanness and part of that is showing when you need help. And I think when you guard yourself to always never need somebody and never take help and never wanna inconvenience someone, you limit how close you can be to that person. You limit the depth of that relationship because humans love helping.

This is one thing that, I mean, it's been studied and we know that like, you know, helping people gives us dopamine releases. And this is why so many people really want to, like, whether it's charity work or volunteering work or just helping out a friend, it makes you feel good. It makes you feel needed, it makes you feel, um, like you're a part of that community. And yet I think for a lot of us, we think we're doing people a favor by never asking for help. I think we think like, oh, I'm being a better friend because I'm not burdening my friend. I'm not asking my friend for that ride to the airport. Or I'm not asking if they could show up to this thing or, you know, I'm being like easy breezy about it. And the reality is, is I think a lot of us stunt, um, the relationships that we could have. And so what's fascinating is I think for a lot of people listening to this podcast, a lot of my type A, um, overachieving high performers, it's actually gonna be harder to get help than give help. Like when I say the first part, you're like, yeah, I'm willing. You need help moving, I'll be there. You need this. Like, I'm the person for you. I will solve your problem. But when I need it, am I willing to ask for it? Am I willing to be vulnerable and say like, Hey, I'm feeling lonely and I would like more, you know, you guys to come over or whatever the ask is for, right? Whether it's, you know, a task or whether it's just emotional, whether it's opening up and getting people's support, whatever it might be. If you are not willing to get help, you're not really in a community. That's where a lot of the, I think the people pleasing and the burnout comes in because like if you never get the support you need and you're just giving, then yeah it is a burnout to have a big community. It is a burnout to uh, be close to other people. 'cause you are just used to giving all the time. Where it becomes really ideal is when there can be this exchange, again, not tit for tat. Like some seasons you are gonna help more.

You don't need as much help. And then other seasons you do. And when you do need that help, it is incredible. It is an incredible gift to have. I know for me, like when I look at, um, I historically, I think like for a lot of women it has, you have been sort of trained in this culture to not ask for help. So I think for a while I was that person and I have worked a lot on allowing people to be there for me or allowing people to help me. It still doesn't, certain things don't come easy, but I really think about how much my community has. Like If I did not have my community of People, I don't know where I would be today. Because I think, you know, when I had chil like as an example when I had children, both times my community descended on me. Like I can't even explain. That's just What it felt Like. It was like this entire group Of people Descended on my house and me and did Everything cooked, Showed up and held my baby so I could, you know, go take a shower. Um, bought me the things that I needed, brought things when I ran out of 'em so I didn't have to go to the store. I really got a Good amount of time to Heal, to Be with my kid. Now again, I needed to be able To accept that And I needed to be Okay with That. And that is hard at times. 'cause I kept wanting to be like, no, I'm fine. You guys can leave and whatnot. And part of it was like allowing myself to be like, It's okay. It's Okay to need help right now. It's okay that in this moment, in this vulnerable state, Other People are coming to me and then in return I do the same when my cousins have kids or when, you know, some, a family member gets sick, We all Kind of dissent on that family.

But that only comes because there is this constant kind of give and take, you know? And part Of this, This whole give and take, I would say the last thing, like I, I already mentioned it, but I loved this Tweet that somebody put out where it said annoyance is the Cost Of being a part of community. I remember having this conversation with one of my cousins, um, because He was really upset that people were all up at his business. That people were, Um, giving their unsolicited Advice Or unsolicited Thoughts about his Life and what he was doing. And he was really Frustrated about It. And He was really frustrated at our culture at a lot of the Stuff within our culture, which Fair enough, it's not to say that It's not beyond reproach or criticism, But he was Sort of lashing out at people in, in our family, like about leaving him alone. And one of the conversations I had with him was, Okay, That's fine. You can do that. You can set that boundary and you can decide That you Don't want people in your life, but then you don't get to call them to come help you move, right? You don't get to have them there when you're sick because you want, you know, your mom or your aunts or whatever to make you soup If You are willing to be a part of this community. Part of it is that like, if People are gonna be there for you when you need them, if people are gonna be there For the Fun and you know, so that you aren't alone on Friday and Saturday nights and you have somewhere to go and people celebrate your birthday and you have all of these things that make, you know, life fun and worth living and, um, create this Level of like tribe, Then they are also gonna have opinions on your life. They're also going to voice Those opinions. They're Also Going to get annoyed or have their own preferences or get offended. Like there is no way to Have These dynamics with humans and not have That.

And I think for a lot of us, One of the things that I've noticed With self-help, especially Personal development in, in kind of the western World Is, you know, we talk a lot about How Capitalism creates individualism, but I do really think that like personal development Also adds to it because there is this, This narrative and these ideas Of like, Um, you know, setting boundaries and making sure nobody ever Crosses Your boundaries.


And I, I remember reading memes where it says Like, Um, you know, if they drain your energy, they don't Deserve access to you. And I remember even reading that. I'm like, Have You met humans? Every human drains your energy . Like that's what Does that even mean? Like, if anybody drains my energy, I should, I need to cut them off. That's wild. That's a wild take to take right Now. Again, Everything Is nuanced. So I'm not saying if someone is abusing you or if somebody is Regularly Pushing boundaries and causing harm, emotional or physical or whatnot, yes, Of Course we need boundaries. We need to be able to say no. Like you Guys, I talk a lot about people Pleasing and the resentment that comes up and there is a time and place to say like, you know, no, like I'm, I can't, like you get to still Decide what you Can and can't do, right? So it's not to say that it ever has to be all or nothing, but I think that Those concepts have gone really far and have really, um, hurt A lot of us because they've created this idea that Everything has to be high Vibes And I always have to feel Good. And, um, everybody Has to,You know, uh, be on the same page. And if they ever say anything that I find annoying or disrespectful Or Whatever, then I have to cut them off and I have to Speak my Peace And I have to confront this or whatever it is, Whatever it might be.

And I think that that's just the antithesis of being in a community Because there’s A a million, you know, it's like a million different grievances Of course. It's like, well, You know, I feel a little Slighted here Because this person invited everybody over but not me. And I feel, you know, whatever. Um, and I just go back to like, that is the cost Of being in a community. Of course That's gonna happen. Of course there's things you don't wanna do. Of course people are gonna Have opinions about you and they're gonna voice 'em and they're gonna tell you And you Get to decide what to do with that. Now, For me, one of the reasons I love thought work, One of the reasons I love doing the mindset work that I've had is because it has helped Me manage my own mind. So I don't have to change anybody else. I don't need other People to Bite their tongue and not tell me what they think about what I need to do. I just don’t Let it rile me up when my family, who still By the way to this Day, 10 years later, makes comments About the fact that I should go back to law or they should like asks me questions. I don't get frustrated by it. I just like laugh. It’s Laughable to me. Like I really do have the mantra of like, they don't need to understand me. I understand me. They don't need to know what, like accept what I'm doing in my everyday Life. I Accept it, I know what I'm doing. My husband gets it right? Like I Don't need them to understand that. And that has helped me not need to Put up Boundaries, right? Not need to be Like, you don't get to Say that to me or what’s It to you? Or like blow up, right? It's like, okay, you can think whatever you want.

You, you can have tons of thoughts. People can have thoughts about whether I should have another kid or not, or whether I should have Had kids Or if you, you know, do or don't. And a lot Of us get so Riled up and get so offended by Whatever It is the conversation. Like, why aren't you married by now? Or whatever People wanna ask you. And I think that when you realize like, Part of it is this Triggering insecurity that We have our within Ourselves and so we don't wanna deal with it. When you deal with it yourself, when you deal with your own thoughts, it becomes easier To Say no Thank you. Or say like, yeah, I hear that that’s What your experience is or what you think, but I don't want that. And move on and have the rest of the community still Be A beneficial thing as opposed To, Um, getting all, you know, bent outta shape. And so I Would just say like there is The, you know, give and take. There is the help and, and um, accepting help there is also knowing that Part of it dealing With humans is Some Negative emotion of, you know, maybe a little bit of resentment, maybe some jealousy, maybe some annoyance, frustration that is Part of the deal. And that's okay. 'cause it also Means that on the flip side Of that, You get the connection and you get the love and you get the support. You cannot have one without the other. It just Doesn't come. Nobody's gonna get that. And so like I say that to say like, don't be Surprised when that's part of it.

I think people wanna be a part of a community and then they try to like enter in a community and then they're like, oh, it's too much. Like there Was, you know, all this drama or these people are Talking, you know, I dunno, whatever people had all these opinions about me. And it's like, yeah, That is Interacting with humans. Humans have a lot of thoughts, They have a lot of opinions. I have a lot of thoughts. I always say this like, it's so funny doing this Work. Like people think like you're going to become this like non-judgmental, I don't know, it's like zen person. I'm like never met her, don't know who she is. 'cause I have a lot of Opinions about how other people Should live their lives. Trust me, I keep most of it to myself. Sometimes I don't. And I get it sometimes. That's probably annoying. I'm sure it's annoying. And yet that's what it means to be human. That's what it means to interact. That's what it means to like understand. And a lot of it comes from love. I obviously want Those things for people because I want to help them and I don't want them to fall into certain, you know, Pitfalls or whatnot. And when I think about it with people in my community, like that's all they're doing. They're trying to protect me. They think they know best. That's the way they were raised. Those are their beliefs. That's the paradigm they were a part Of.

And that's okay. They Can gimme their opinion and I can take it with a grain of salt. And so I just want you to expect that. I want you to know whatever community you are gonna cultivate It is gonna be 50 50. There's gonna be Really amazing parts of it. There's gonna be really great Like, Um, connection and support and this feeling of fulfillment and belonging, which is fantastic. And then there's going to be a lot of annoyance and pettiness and drama and whatever. And it's really like kind of figuring out how you navigate that, how you get involved with it, how much of it is worth it. Like, I'm not saying maybe certain communities are not gonna be worth it. So the last thing I'll say, and it sort of hearkens back to what I was saying in the beginning. I was like, what are you doing to feel connected? What are you doing to not feel lonely? You know, when we go back to thought work, I think for a lot of us, when we wanna feel this feeling of connection, I want you to really think about like, what else could I do to feel connected to someone and stop worrying so much about what they're doing, right? I used to think like, well, if my friends liked me, they would text me more or they would make plans more. And then I realized, okay, what I want at the core of this is I want more plans with my friends. So why am I not reaching out and making plans? Right? I'm stuck in my head with these thoughts of like, no, they, they probably get annoyed or they probably hate me. And what was interesting is the more I leaned into, like if I wanna feel the feeling of connection, what are the actions I would take when I feel connected to someone, right?

What would I have to think in order to feel connected When I doubled down on that, it was wild. When I saw the difference in relationships, like the more I started pouring into them, all of a sudden that connection got stronger. That connection within me felt stronger. I love them regardless of what they were thinking or feeling. I was after my own feeling and my feeling of love came from me thinking really good thoughts about them and thinking, I wanna see this person. I haven't, let me message them and see if they wanna have lunch. Lemme see if they can have coffee. And the more I did that, the more I started creating the bonds that I wanted instead of sort of waiting and thinking, well, they don't ever reach out, which means they probably don't like me, right? And so I again, another plug for like why you need to manage your own mind. But I really think about this, like, I think about this even in communities that I'm in, that's not within my family. I think about like, let's say if I'm in a, an online community, the people, yes, there's somebody that maybe is running it, but you make it what it is. I notice so many people, like I go into these some communities and you can always see like there's people that are active, people that are involved, people that are asking and getting help, people that are getting what they came for, they paid to be there or they didn't. And then there's people that are just wallflowers that are just kind of lurking.

Now I'm not, there's no shade. I do that too. There's a lot of groups that I, I don't necessarily wanna be that involved in. I'm, I need a couple of things, so maybe I don't get involved. But I have been more conscious in certain groups where I do wanna get a lot out of it where I do wanna, you know, get the results that I want from that thing. And I realize like I'm a part of this community. If I am going to get the experience, then I also have to put into it, right? I, I know it feels uncomfortable. It feels better to just lurk. It feels better to just scroll through like the community page and see what other people have written. But it doesn't work without me also at being involved. 'cause then nobody else, if everybody thought that, then nobody is actually being involved, right? And so I push myself to kind of think about like, what is the type of community member I wanna be? What kind of community do I wanna see? If I wanna see a thriving community where people are involved or answering questions or whatnot, then I also have to be vulnerable and ask the stupid question or post the thing that I'm afraid of people are gonna judge me for. And so, and I even within that, every community, every group that I've gone into, I've gone into like masterminds or group programs or memberships. Every time when I do that, I get 10 times more than in programs that I don't kind of show up in, obviously, right? Like it's an obvious statement. And yet every time I do it, I'm like, oh, I'm so glad I showed up fully. I'm so glad I decided like I'm going to get the most outta this community, which means I have to decide how I'm gonna show up in this community and I show up fully and I reap the rewards and I actually get what I paid for, right? So I say this regardless of whether it's like a paid community, whether it's family, whether it's, you know, a a hobbyist organ group that you're a part of. I want you to really just think about how do I wanna show up as a community member?

What makes me a good community member? The more you think about that, the easier it actually becomes to create and cultivate a community. When you are thinking of like, I just need to find some community that I can go be a part of that I can kind of drop myself into. That energy rarely ever works because you're not willing to kind of put in the work that it re actually requires to create those things. It's sort of like, I wanna be dropped into something that took a lot of time for that community to build, right? Like when I think about my friends or my family and the community we have, it's not like it was built in a month. It's years of give and take that create that, like cultivate these relationships. And so if you're willing to kind of put in that work and figure out like, how do I wanna show up as a community member? What is my idea of a community member? What is that gonna require of me? How much more vulnerable do I have to be? You will get so much more out of any community that you join.

All right? That was kind of long. But I think that community is extremely important. I think that it is the basis for a lot of our own hap our, our happiness and just, it just makes life so much more fun and so much easier. I really think about how um, having that support is night and day, but it does require a lot of work. It doesn't come easy. And so if you're willing to put in that work, it's absolutely worth it. All right, my friends, I hope this was helpful. Um, and I will be back next week hopefully with another episode.