Right. Every time your brain is going to go back to like the launch’s getting closer. There's not enough time. I have no idea what I'm doing. Like just be like I hear you. I get it brain. I want to freak out too, but I'm still gonna do this launch. And I'm going to do it one step at a time and let's see how many things I can get done.
Hey, welcome to Lessons From a Quitter where we believe that it is never too late to start over. No matter how much time or energy you spent getting to where you are, if ultimately you are unfulfilled, then it is time to get out. Join me each week for both inspiration and actionable tips so that we can get you on the road to your dreams.
Hello, my friends. Welcome to another episode of Lessons From a Quitter. I am so excited that you are here and this is kind of different. I've never done one of these before. I figured I would play one of the free monthly coaching calls that I do. I, if you are a long-time listener, then you will have heard me say many times that I provide a free coaching call every month um on zoom. You can show up, we can hang out. I can answer all your questions. It's not a lot of fluff. It's really kind of straight to the point and people tend to find it helpful. And a lot of people come just to listen to other people's questions because that helps too. So last month we did a call and I figured I would play it for you guys so you can get an understanding of what coaching is like .
And if it helps, I think a lot of the questions are things that so many of us deal with. So hopefully you find this helpful. And if you do, you can sign up to come to these calls. You can go to quitterclub.com/coaching. And I will send out the reminder the week before. It's usually towards the end of the month. And another reminder, kind of the day of, with the link where you can join. I do stagger the times so that people from different time zones can join on different calls. And it's a really good time. So I will let you listen in, but if you do enjoy this and find it useful, I really suggest joining the calls. Cause I think that you can get a lot of value for free. So everybody wins. You can go to quitterclub.com/coaching. Okay, let's jump in and listen to the coaching call.
Let's do this. So who wants to go first? Marie.
What's going on? What can I help you with?
I'm about to launch my first digital product and I’m terrified.
As are we all.
Yeah, I am terrified. So I was able to validate my product through like um, business summit for calligraphers and reached out saying that they were really interested in it, which is phenomenal. That's like my motivation to, to actually do it um and to act on it. I'm finding myself sort of just getting overwhelmed by like so much information because I've never launched anything before. Um, and I, I just feel like I'm getting so much information from so many different places and I'm kind of like in paralysis, like I don't know [totally] where to start and of course that is like feeding into like my brain bully, you know, like you don't know, why you doing this kind of thing, which is not true, of course, but you know, the thoughts happen.
Yeah, absolutely. First of all, like super normal and it's good to kind of be aware, but here's the thing. And I'm sure if you listened to the podcast and for everyone that is, you know, going to come after you too, a lot of what I talk about is that like our thoughts are what creates our feelings. Okay. Like we think it's everything outside of us that's creating our feelings, but it's not, it's your thoughts. Okay. And so what happens in a situation like this and specifically with overwhelm, is there are a bunch of tasks that can or should be done. Right? Tell me the thoughts that you have that make you feel overwhelmed. Like what are you thinking to feel overwhelmed
Like that I have too much stuff that I need to do and I don't have like the systems in place. I also just don't have like the knowledge base. Like I don't, I feel like I don't have a roadmap basically.
Okay, yeah. But those are all thoughts. So I just want you to see that. So there are all these to dos. There's a million things we could all do every day. Right. And then your brain is telling you I don't know what I'm doing. I don't have a roadmap, there's too much to do. I don't have enough time. I don't have the skills. Right. And when you think those thoughts, you feel super overwhelmed, right? And then this is the craziest part though, when you feel overwhelmed, because you're thinking I don't know what to do. I don't have a roadmap. What do you do?
Um, for me, I procrastinate.
I find some busy work, you know, something and I tell myself oh, this is important. Or this is something that else that you need to get done. So I kind of focus on that because it feels comfortable and familiar.
Totally. I mean, it's not just for you, it's everyone. Right? And that's, and so what are you not doing while you're doing that stuff?
What I'm not doing is acting on the things I need to do to get myself ready for the launch. So like my email funnel [yeah], you know, all of that stuff. Like I don't even [exactly] the words correctly. That's like how…
Right, but that's fine. So here's the thing, that's exactly the point when, this is the insanity of our brain is like I have so much to do. I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't have a roadmap. I'm going to feel overwhelmed. So I'm not going to do anything. I'm not going to focus on the little things I can do. I'm not going to take the steps that are going to ensure it, you know? And then I'm going to prove to my brain that I have too much to do. That is too much for me that I don't know what I'm doing. It's just becomes a cycle. And what happens is we create the result that we don't want. Right. We create the exact thing that we are overwhelmed from. We just keep creating because we keep telling ourselves no, but I don't know. I really don't know what I do. And I love, and I do this too. It's like we realize it's the thought, but then we're like no, no, but I really don’t know what I don't, you know. I really have too much to do. I know you think that it's just a thought, but for me, I really don't know. And I just want you to know that it's always just a thought and it's optional. Okay. And so, while it doesn't seem true right now to you and you haven't practiced it, you have practiced those thoughts so many times that there is a very clear path, like neural pathway between your head and there, like in your brain, right? It's like you know, a project. Oh my God, I have too much, overwhelm. I know this pathway. Right. And it's very unnatural for us because most of us haven't practiced kind of being at peace or being calm or whatnot. So I want to ask you, how do you want to feel about approaching this launch? Like when, as you're doing your work, tell me a feeling that you want to be feeling that would get you to be taking the actions you want to take.
I want to feel confident and self-assured. I guess I'm not even focused so much on like doing the right thing. It's just, I honestly just want to feel like the accomplishment of taking the action.
Yeah, yeah. But that's such a beautiful thing to even see. Right. So your right now, what your focus on is like whether you subconsciously are realizing or not, is like I am comparing myself to people that have launched tons of times and the perfect launches and the wonderful and the most amazing launches. And so when I compare to that, I'm falling short. Right. As opposed to what you just said is like I just want to even take the action of launching, right. If that becomes the goal that it's not about getting it perfect. It's about thinking thoughts the whole time like look at me, Marie, out here launching like a business owner. Look at me trying this, right this time, I'm going to get three things done. Next launch, I'm going to get 10 things done. And the launch after that, I'm going to get 15 things done. Right. And imagine like the difference where you change kind of just the focus. So your thoughts are just different. Right? And so I want you to find thoughts that you can believe. So I don't want you to go to, you know, sometimes even feeling the feeling of confident is not going to be maybe the most helpful feeling because it's might not be available right now because this is your first launch. We typically don't feel super confident in things we're doing the first time. And that's okay. So maybe the feeling is just kind of calm or at peace or whatever the feeling is, as opposed to like I, you know, I maybe don't need to feel confident right now, I will in the future. And I do feel self-assured because I can always trust myself. I can always rely on myself. But what I want you to do is start finding a thought that you can believe that you can keep practicing to bring you back. So the thought might be, I can only get things done one step at a time anyway, like that's all I can do. So that's all I'm going to do. Right? Every time your brain is going to go back to like but we have so much, there's way too much to do, the launch’s just getting closer. There's not enough time. I have no idea what I'm doing. Like just be like I hear you, but I can only do it one step at a time. That's all I'm going to do. Like I get it brain. I want to freak out too, but I'm still going to do this launch and I'm going to do it one step at a time and let's see how many things I can get done.
We're just experimenting now. Right. We're just trying this, this doesn't mean that I can never have a great launch or I'm not going to learn, like I am learning this and I'm doing this launch for what you just said. I'm doing it just to take action. Not to have, you know, I know on Instagram, we love to do like these six figure launches and whatever. And we start comparing ourselves. It's like those people did not start there. Right. So I just want you to find thoughts that you're going to keep practicing. Like alright, let's see how many things I do get done in this launch. You know, let me focus on one thing. Maybe this launch, let me just focus on my email sequence. Let's just say, or just the sales funnel or none of it has to be the way other people think, you know, maybe this launch is me just learning the terminology. Yeah. Look at me learning what a funnel is. Like you have to be your own cheerleader in this kind of stuff, because it is very easy to get overwhelmed because of the thoughts of like I'm falling behind and we have these like so many of us from, you know, the school background, the, uh, corporate America background, our traditional background is like if I'm not at a hundred I'm failing or something, if I'm not getting close to like what all these other people, it's like that's, you're here to learn, that's it?
How's that feel?
Good. Those less overwhelming feels more manageable for sure.
Yeah, good. I'm so glad. And that's the point. And I want everybody to really listen to the fact that like if you think about this, the circumstances didn't change at all right. You still have the same launch. You still have the same things that you have to do, but when you feel more manageable, when you feel like the pressure instantly gets lifted off is it's all because the thoughts that you're thinking are going to change. And so that, it's just a good reminder to ourselves. Like whenever you're feeling some way, is just asking, like what am I thinking to feel overwhelmed? What am I thinking to feel panicked? What am I thinking that makes me feel sad or whatever the feeling is? And then you can kind of start working on that. Got it.
Alright Marie, you got this. Tell me how the launch goes. I'm so excited for you.
You’re welcome. Okay. Hey Laura.
Hi, we talked briefly. I was interested in joining your cohort, but finances right now um aren't great, which I'll get into in a second. Thank you for doing these. So I was laid off, um, at the beginning of the year due to COVID-related things. And now I'm looking for another job and sort of just managing that mindset going into that. But my question specifically, as I'm finding the job search processes, and what I've realized is I been in a very competitive job in general. So coming, I live in New York City, sort of had that mindset growing up of, you know, AP classes, get into this college, do this and got my MBA, have a top 10 university and just really in a competitive landscape in general and sort of thinking about it. And I don't want to not be in that landscape necessarily, in the sense, like I do want also to back up a little bit, um, also in sort of media and technology and that sort of environment as well, but what I'm finding and the job search is a lot of sort of overwhelmed to sort of going back to the other side of conversation of like the jobs seem very competitive in the sense of like not only in general of just like the business as a, as a job industry, but also like with a lot of the technology that's coming down with, like from AI to having experience in like all sorts of financial things. Like it just seems like there's a lot of qualifications that are continuing and as technology continues to develop and um become more sort of niche with, um, I'm not articulating this well, but it just basically it's, it seems like as jobs in technology can just continue to develop, it seems like the jobs become more and more competitive. Um, and especially when you go into sort of applying for jobs at big tech companies that are these conglomerates, like Amazon, Google, Facebook, all these places that in theory, I'm qualified for those jobs, but it's just not, I don't necessarily want to work in that environment either. So I guess my question is just sort of how to, I’m also interviewing at consulting firms, like how to manage applying for jobs and working in a competitive environment without having it be a stressful thing, but still wanting to use my mind and intellect in a way that is in those environments as well.
Yeah. I mean, well is your question, sorry. Repeat it to me. Is it how to apply for the jobs without being stressful or how to work in those fields without…
I think the question is in thinking about a career [yeah]. Wanting to work in an environment where I'm mentally and intellectually stimulated, but not wanting to people please and, or try to over, you know, overcompensate [yeah] when you're in that kind of environment. And I don't want to check out, I don't want to like go live on a beach somewhere. Like I do like really environment, but sort of how you had to manage that in the job search process when I'm interviewing at, you know, consulting companies where I'm like here's all the stuff that I've done, but I also, you know, want to be recognized for the skills that I have and not try to sort of continue to expend more energy if that yeah, that's my question.
You mean try to have the feeling of like having to prove yourself or overly. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I totally get that. I mean, I think, again, this is the drama that I'm going to keep beating over and over again. And it’s a lot of, it's like it's just the thoughts that you're having. Right. And so, I mean, this goes much deeper when you're actually working in the environment, how you get over the people-pleasing and the perfectionism and the, a lot of the stress that is self-induced. I know a lot of us love to think that where we work is really stressful. And it's not to say that it's not, I'm not saying there aren't factors in corporate America that are, you know, not conducive to healthy living. Absolutely there are, but it's also a question of how do we want to react and where do we want to put ourselves. Right. And when we are there, so many of us, especially women consistently, you know, it's like they say jump and I say how high, because I want to prove myself and more than anything, I want to be liked, right. A lot of us that, the discomfort of saying no, or having tough conversations or saying like you've given me too much. Or like what are the priorities here? Because you know, or this is really above my pay grade and not what I was hired for. We don't want to have those because we're so scared of like them having a negative emotion or not liking us or whatever. And so we do a lot of the uh gymnastics of let me jump through every hoop that they put in front of me, so I can keep showing what a good team player I am. And we've been sold this stuff of like being a team player and we want to be a part of that. So a lot of that is very deep work on yourself, on overcoming people-pleasing and overcoming perfectionism and overcoming the all or nothing thinking that a lot of us engage in where it's like if I ever speak up, I'm going to get fired. Like we catastrophize, you know, a lot of that is, and that's what, you know, I do in the program because unfortunately it's not like a quick fix. Right? It's so many of us have been programmed a certain way and it shows up in every area of our lives, including our jobs. And so it really requires building that self-confidence figuring out what you want and really entering in that way. But as like a quick answer to even in the job process, right. When you are going in, you have to think about the thoughts that you are having about that job. And what happens is a lot of times we come from more of like a desperate place. Okay. Like where it's like I need this job, you know, like I have to somehow prove to them that I'm good enough. I have to like make them see. And so what that does is it creates stress. It creates anxiety. It creates that desperation. And again, like I was just saying with Marie, what's interesting is it creates the exact opposite result most of the time, right? We're, we're kind of neurotic or a little bit like you know, we're talking too fast we’re too, like it's just, we're so excitable, we're desperate to prove this, that we end up often coming off in a way that we don't want to. And so for you, it's going to be really working on the thoughts that cause self-assuredness right. That leads you to feel self-confident, is really the understanding what you are bringing to the table. Yes, technologies are changing always and that's fine. That's not the problem. Right. That's what we learn it. We move on, what has my experience been? What have I contributed? And the problem again with this is because we all have a historical like tendency, because we've been programmed to dismiss what we have accomplished. We don't really, you know, it's always like yeah, I did that, but that was kind of easy. Or somebody else helped me or I didn’t really, you know, it wasn't that hard. Or, you know, we, we tend to discount our own strengths because they come easy to us. We tend to discount just women in general, you know, we've been taught like any, like we deflect like compliments. We don't take in all this stuff. So it's really hard to show up and own because we think like I don't want to brag. I don't want to not be humble. And so we are so used to that. And then we go into an environment where you really do have to advocate for yourself. And it's such an uncomfortable feeling because we're not used to being that way. And so a lot of that is the prep work in your own thoughts about your abilities and what you are bringing to the table, right? It's going in understanding and listen, in every job interview, in every job an employer is paying you because you provide value to them. So it's about figuring out what value do I provide? What value can I give you? How is it in your interest to have me? Because this is the value that I provide. It's not the hours I work. It's not, you know, it's amount. Like what am I going to? So really getting clear on that so that when you go in, it's the thoughts of like this is the value I provide. I've done a lot of, you know, I always figure it out. I'm, you know, I'm X, Y, Z. I know I can do this and I don't need to offer my whole life and tell you, I'm going to sacrifice everything in order for you to hire me. Because if this isn't a good fit then it's good for me to know now. Right. Also, it's kind of changing your thoughts about the interview. I think so often we just want the job and you have to start change the lens of like you're trying to find somewhere where you're going to be a good fit too, where, you know, it's not about the getting it right then. And then in six months hating it because it's not going to be what you want for your life. It's really like how am I interviewing them to see? And I know that that is really difficult when you're in the process of like I need to make money. Right. I need to get an income. So this isn't going to really work for me, but it's still like understanding that, okay. I would rather know this now that like no, this company does not at all care about, you know, any type of work-life balance. And they want me to work every night and every weekend. And so it doesn't benefit me in the interview to be like yeah, I'll do anything. Sure. And then be miserable in six months. Right. Like I have to really think like no, this isn't really what I'm looking for. Like I need, you know, certain set boundaries. So it's working on those thoughts.
Yeah. It's kind of crazy how ingrained it is really. It feels rejecting, already just show up as myself or to be like this is like here's what I have to offer. It's already like it's so it's so crazy that it already feels rejecting, even though I'm just being myself, because you're so like I'm so used to people.
Yeah, a hundred percent. And that's such an important thing to be aware of to just see that, like that is the problem, right? Like that is the root of the cause that you need to work on is the fact of really understanding. Like I want you to create a list of everything that you've ever accomplished ever. I'm talking ever, small and big. I want you to look back and force yourself to see the fact that, like how many things you have been forced to figure out that you have figured out that you've been able to rely on yourself, that you show up. And this is not something that like I think a lot of people mistake self-confidence with arrogance or anything like that. And it's not at all to say that, like you're not a flawed human being, like the rest of us. And we all have we, and actually I think true self-confidence and self-love comes from a place of full acceptance of like yeah, I got a ton of stuff that I'm not great at. And I'm totally fine with that. Cause like obviously we all do. But look at all this other stuff that I'm pretty good at. Like I don't need to discount that, I don't need to make myself small. How do I start really showing my brain? And the last thing I'll say is that like our brains are pattern-seeking machines and they literally will always look for evidence of whatever you tell it is true. Right. Or whatever you're looking for. So like we've all had this experience of when you're, you know, buying a new car and all of a sudden you see that car everywhere. Right. It's not that that car just came out of nowhere. It was there. It's just that your brain had filtered through it. Right, your brain is like didn't care about it before. And now it does. When we all have tell ourselves, like I don't, I don't know what I'm doing or I'm not good at this technology. Your brain will keep showing you evidence every time. We'll be like see, yeah, you're not good at figuring that out. Like oh, a software stresses you out like new software or whatever. And so when you start refocusing on, like what do I figure out? Every day you'll start seeing like oh my God, look, I figured this thing out. Look how much I know how to figure out. Like I can always rely on myself to figure it out. It might take me longer. It might take me longer than I thought, you know? And I keep practicing the thought of like I will always figure it out. It's not like I'm the smartest and I know everything or whatever. It's like I'll figure it out, I know I can. Like that in of itself will just help you start seeing it, it'll help you like redirect your mind to show you the evidence of like look, you do figure it out. You got this, Laura.
Okay. Linda, you can unmute yourself.
Hi, thank you so much for taking my um question.
Hello, yeah, no problem.
So I work full time and I am in the process of building a business. Now at the moment, I know that with all that's happening and the business aspect has to sort of stay on the back burner for a little bit, maybe for the next couple of months or so. I'm still working on the business, but not in a way of showing up for my sort of my customers and stuff like that. And the aspects and being active on social media and all of that. I know exactly why I have to do it that way. However, I find myself, whenever I'm on social media or I read something else, I feel like I'm missing the boat or oh my God, I should be doing that. But it’s that thing that I was planning on doing like in six months time, someone is already doing it. Um, how do I, and I know, I know that I know that this is where I have to be for now, but my brain that I just can't help myself feeling that I'm missing the boat. Oh my gosh, should I quickly do something? Should I just change my plans and, and do it this way? Um, stuff like that. So I don't know if you've got any tips on helping me with that.
I have tons of thoughts on that. And I have tons of tips on that because a lot that's what everybody is doing, right? So there's a couple of things at play here. And I think that, um, it's just good to know for yourself. So when you're going through it, so whenever we're in a rush to get somewhere okay. And the reason so many of us want, whatever the goals we have is that we think once we get there, it's so much better. It'll be so great. I'll have so much more freedom and happiness and money, and I'll be thin and beautiful. And I won't have any stress and everybody will love me. And all of a sudden, it's like rainbows and butterflies, right? And I want to offer to you that it will never be like that ever, right. Life will always be both good and bad. Even if you get this side hustle up and running and you have a business, there will still be different stresses. There will be different, you know, negative emotions that come along with everything. As you see, like with people on this call, you'll see somebody saying like I'm launching and I'm overwhelmed and I'm stressed and I'm all this, right? So every time I find myself rushing, I always like just slow it down. And I'm like what is the rush? What do I think is happening over there that I can't have here. Right. And I always know what's a lie. If I think I'll be happier there, if I think I'll be, you know, more fulfilled or whatever the thing is, that might be true to a certain extent. And then there's also negatives. So I just got to bring myself back to like whatever I think I have there, I can have here. If I want more happiness. If I want more joy, if I want more fulfillment, if I want, whatever it is, how can I have that right now? Not through the side hustle, right? Maybe what you are seeking, if you want, let's say more freedom. Maybe that means working less on the side hustle. So you have some time to enjoy and go after the things you want. Right? So part of it is understanding that whenever there's a rush, there's something behind that, that you think here is not good. There is better. And when we start doing this, when we all do it, it becomes almost addictive and we never live our lives. Right. We're always waiting for the next thing. Like once I get the degree, once I get the job, once I get that promotion, once I build the side this whole, once I get married and have kids, once I, whatever the thing is, then I'll be happy. And meanwhile, our whole life passes by. Right. And so I want you to just remind yourself that you're in this rush because you think there is something there for you that is not, okay. The other thing I want you to think about is, um, Linda, I have no idea how old you are. So like tell me.
I’m 38 this year.
38, okay. So you plan on probably working for what? Another 30 years I would say?
Yeah, okay. So sometimes it's just good to put that in perspective. Okay. Because you know the Bill Gates is a quote that we tend to overestimate what we can do in a year and underestimate what we can do in 10 years. Okay. So a really important concept of under, for all of us understanding is the difference between your short-term and your long-term goals. Your whole life can be different in 10 years, and it can be different in five years. It doesn't mean it has to be different this year. Right. And so sometimes just knowing and taking the pressure off of like listen, the next six months, I can't really do much, like I have this job, I need it for financial reasons or whatever it is. I'm going to take in the couple of hours that I can on the side hustle. And that's going to be good enough for me. I'm going to work on my thoughts on making that good enough. Like hey, at least I did an hour a week on it, right. At the end of the year, that's 52 hours I worked on it or whatever the thing is that you're going to work on and that's going to be good enough while I go through this season in my life. And I know there will be other seasons. I know there's going to be times where I can go full in. There is no comparing to somebody that's not on your path. Like everyone's running their own races. Right. And I know it's, I'm not saying that, like I just did a video on IG about comparison and jealousy and all that. And you can go watch that because we all do it. But really just bringing yourself back to the fact of like this short-term goal for me fits my life. And I will have more opportunities to do other things later. Right. Constraint is actually a really important skill to learn in our lives because so many of us get so excited by like shiny objects. And then we don't ever stick through with anything. And I do this a lot. Like I have tons of ideas that I want to work on and I constantly bring myself back. I'm not saying I won't do it. I totally can. I'm not going to cut myself off and be like no, you've done this now, you can't. I'm just like maybe in five years I'll do that like now is not the time. Cause I'm focusing on my business. So maybe writing a book, it's just not for me right now. That's okay. You know, I'm not going to be rainbows and butterflies when I'm writing a book, like it's not going to be, everything is stress free. So like there's no rush for me to get there.
Thank you so much. And I'll check out the IG video as well.
Yeah. It's a two-minute video. It's actually really helpful, I think on comparison.
Okay, thank you.
Alright, no problem Linda.
Doing this, wasn't expecting to have a question, but I'm really resonating with a lot of what you're saying.
It's just so funny. Like um, I'm kind of having this really dramatic period where I'm like I'm 38 years old and I have nothing to show for my life. Right. I mean
Yeah, you know, I'm like I, I mean, I want to have kids and I want a career that I'm happy with and you know, the more I'm like forcing and rushing, cause like the rushing stuff was really resonating and the more I'm like forcing it. Right. So I was out of work for a year. I had taken a job. I moved from New York to LA cause I wanted to slow down and I got here and that didn't exactly happen. And I jumped around from job to job to job and I kept quitting and I’d never done that in my life. But then I realized that it just wasn't the job. I'm an executive assistant.
So very codependent. Yeah. Very hard job being codependent because you're literally just tending to someone else's needs and not your own all day. So I'm very good at it. I don't like it.
And uh so I went and tried to work for someone else for a little while and she, and she just really screwed me over big time. Um, and that still kind of hurts. I got laid off due to COVID and now I've recently like I'm back in the same exact position and recently accepted a job in the middle of the pandemic at a $20,000 pay cut. I'm feeling like we're now over here, you know, just like really getting companies like now taking off, um, they added another person to my desk. She comes from a company that's known to not have such a great culture and she's very nitpicky and very did this wrong when that necessarily been happened. And I'm like being triggered. So now I feel like I'm all over the place, but now I'm just like okay, this is very clearly not what I want to do. And then I get paralysis. I I don't know what to do now. Like I'm literally sitting here at 38. Like what do I want to be when I grow up.
To kinda gain clarity on that.
Okay. Great question. I think something that probably the mass majority of people on this call or listening also relate to, I can't tell you how many people, not only don't know like how to have clarity, but have these thoughts of like I should have been further than I am. I'm not far enough or I don't have anything to show for it. And those are just thoughts and those thoughts are definitely not going to serve you because it's going to, this is what happens. Like um, again, what I was just talking about about thinking like somewhere over there is better or that we should be further along, like like all of this stuff in our society is just made up. Right. I mean, I hope people like understand. It's like we just decided like that we should have jobs and that you should get a degree by this age. And like we created a rule of like schools and like it's all completely made up, right? Like you graduated by 18 and then you get a degree at 22, whatever. But then we start like putting ourselves on this like path. And it's like if I don't meet these checklists of like getting married or having this kid, then somehow I failed or I'm not as far ahead as everybody else right, on these like made up rules. And what we end up doing, and I think like what you just said is just such a great example because so many of us do this is again, we run around trying to change our circumstances in the hopes that we will feel better. Right? So we, and uh with the move is just such a clear example is like I want a slower pace of life so I'm going to move to another city. But the thing is, is that you take your same brain to the new city, right? And so when you have internalized a lot of thoughts about productivity and value and like the hustle that we all have been programmed with. So many of us, we can't slow down because we haven't worked on our thoughts. So we feel guilty, if we're slow, if we're not doing, if we're not working, if we're not constantly producing, if we're not trying a million different things, right. We feel there's so much guilt around rest. And so the slowing down has nothing to do with where you live. It has to do with what you decide to do. You know, like a lot of people could, and I'm not saying that there isn't New York can't be more fast-paced. It can, but you can also even live in New York and decide that you want a slower pace of life. Right. And so it's just a good example like that paint keep, even when you're changing jobs, when you bring your same brain to the different jobs, it's going to create a lot of the same problems. And so I would say before, really understanding, um, what you want to do and what a lot of people are looking for with clarity, with respect to their jobs. The underlying problem is that most people don't even know themselves anymore. Right. For so long, we've done what we've been supposed to do. And we've taken jobs that we needed to take. And we did, you know, like we ignored our curiosity as we ignored our interests, we ignored the things that we love to do that we wake up one day and we're like I don't even know who I am. I don't know what I like. I don't know what brings me joy anymore. Right. And that makes it really difficult to figure out like what, what do I want to do for the rest of my life? Right. What do I want to spend my days doing? I also think that when you come from a place of like I give this analogy to dating and like somebody that wants to date, if you are in a place where you are dating to get married, because you think once you get married, you will be happy. You are setting yourself up for potential failure. Right. And a lot of people, when you go in with that energy of like I want the next person to be the one or I don't even want to waste my time. I'm already too old. I need to find someone right now. If like I want to know on a first date, if this person is going to be the person I'm going to marry or like don't even waste my time. I don't have to tell you that that's not the most conducive to even finding that person. And it definitely won't let you enjoy the journey. Right. As opposed to somebody who's perfectly happy, being single right. Is perfectly happy in their life and is like yeah, dating sounds fun. I want to do it because I want to experience companionship. I want to see, I want to meet some cool people I'm out here just like and if it happens, it happens and we'll get married. And if it doesn't, then my met somebody cool. Right. It's it, it's such a different energy that you're going into the same circumstance. Right. You're going to the same scenario. You're going to have a much different experience and you're likely going to be more successful. It's the same exact thing with your career. Right? I think so many people are miserable in their jobs and they're like I just have to find the next one. I have to find the thing. I have to find my passion as if it's like buried under a rock somewhere, you know? And it's like unless you can get to a place where you can slow down and give yourself time to like figure out what you like doing and doing things just for fun and resting and finding things that peak your curiosity and following through with those and letting yourself be a full human that experiments. Like so many of us are so afraid of failing. And so we think we're just going to find something and, you know, unless I know I'm going to be successful, I don't even want to start it. It's like well, there's no way to do that. Especially with something new that you've never done before. And so it sort of becomes just the question isn't like do I take a personality test or an assessment that’s going to tell me what the perfect job is. And sometimes it's like like I was just talking with Linda, like maybe the short-term goal is I stay in this job while I have, you know, as a salary or maybe it's like it's miserable and I have to leave to another job. That's fine. But like the short term is I'm going to give myself some breathing room to figure out who the hell I am and what do I like doing? And what do I want for this life? Like regardless of the job, what do I want more of in my life? You know, do I want more adventure? Do I want more fun? Like if I had the perfect job, what do I think that would give me? And how do I give myself that now? How do I give myself more time for play and just exploration and reading and being out in nature, whatever the thing is for you. I promise you the more you do that, and the more you are in that energy, the more you are open to ideas, the more you are, you know, open to seeing what's around you. It's amazing how many of us miss opportunities, because we're so like blinders on and like panicked. And we're not even like looking at like what's around, what are other people doing? You know? Cause we're so busy beating ourselves up for like I'm not far enough of where, I don't know where we're trying to get to, but like I'm not far enough. So I'm just gonna spend this time in shame and guilt and like hating myself instead of just being like okay, what do I want with my life right now? Like how do I give that to myself?
Yeah. That's really good advice. And you know, you said something interesting, uh, because I do codependency recovery. Uh, what I hear a lot in that program is part of codependency like it's the abandonment of self. So you're literally getting to know yourself again and yeah.
A hundred percent.
Also like lack of play. I don't make time for that. So yeah. That's really awesome. Thank you. Good advice.
You’re so welcome, Danielle. And now I hope that helps and I hope you do make a lot more time for play and rest and really slow down.
You're welcome. Alright, Dana, hi.
I guess my question is a little more meta. I think that I'm fairly decent at recognizing we're talking about recognizing thoughts and that the thoughts sort of, as my dog shakes off in the background, recognizing the thoughts and that the thoughts sort of control the self instead of the self controlling the thoughts when we're sort of in this, in this mindset that we don't want to be in. But sometimes for me, what happens is that the thoughts, I can see them and I can see myself still engaging in bad habits. So I'm sort of at the issue spotting level, not the application of facts level and also the physical component of all of it, like the instant stomach ache, or the sweaty palms or the racing heart or the dry mouth and, and how that all fits in. So I'm just wondering if you have any thoughts about how to go from the step that we’ve talked about, which is I see the thought and then to really engage and move beyond that.
Great, great question. And I mean, first you should really be proud of yourself for even being at the awareness level, because that is really past where most of us are, right? Most people think they are their thoughts and they don't realize that they are the watcher of their thoughts, that they can observe them. And I think even becoming conscious because Carl Jung has the quote until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate. Right? And it's like we, so many of us just think like this is just the way it is. There's nothing I can do. And I don't, and I just feel this way because I feel this way. And so the first step is always awareness and that is the most important step. So like just seeing those thoughts and realizing like why do I keep thinking this? Even when intellectually, I understand that I don't want to be thinking this. Right. So many of us have such a hard time understanding, like I know I don't want to scroll on social media for three hours. So why do I keep picking up my phone and scrolling social media? Or like I don't want to eat this brownie. Why am I picking it up and eating it? When I told myself I don't want to eat it. So we all have that. W- the next step I want you to work on is beef. Because I think what a lot of us try to do is like oh, this is a bad thought, or this is a negative thought or emotion. I want to get rid of it. Right. How do I jump to the new thought where I feel super great. Right. And I think what a lot of us try to do is like that's why for me personally, they may work for you. But like I don't like affirmations because I don't believe them. My brain doesn't believe them. So it's like I can go from, like I've told myself I'm dumb my whole life. I can't stand in the mirror and be like I'm so smart and believe that. Right. And so it, it doesn't work basically. So I actually really caution against trying to change the thoughts super quickly, because what I want you to do is try to understand it. Okay. And what I, what I mean by that is the next step is really asking, like why am I thinking this? Why have I told myself, like you know, what was I trying to protect by telling myself that I'm dumb all the time? Where did I learn this? What do I gain by telling myself this all the time? What am I ignoring by telling myself this all the time? Right. It sort of is like Jenga, right? The more holes you start poking into that thought it sort of dissipates on its own oftentimes, like it becomes a lot easier to find thoughts that you can believe instead of forcing thoughts on yourself. And sometimes it's instant. Sometimes you start asking a question it's like I can't believe I keep thinking this, but other times it takes longer because it's just such a practice thought. But I would just say like really try to like get to the bottom of why you're thinking that thought, why am I choosing to think this, right? Why, how does this serve me in any way? Are there other ways I could think about this situation, right. Do I have proof or evidence of another way, which we often do, because when you start getting more curious about it, for instance, when you start asking like a lot of these questions, it's amazing how much you'll start realizing how many of your thoughts are connected. Like for instance, for me, and I've talked about this on the podcast a lot, I've always had a very strong story about being lazy. Okay. And a lack of time. And on the surface, that seems very kind of obvious to me. And I knew that I didn't have to dig for that. What I started realizing was so many of my other problems. So many of my other issues I was having in my life kept coming back to this core thought, like I would be very resentful about cooking or whatever, certain things I had to do. And I thought it was just beyond that. Like I didn't like doing that, but when I really dug in and like why do I feel this way? Why do I think it is? I actually like cooking. Why am? And it's like always like well, I don't have enough time, now I can't work on my business because I have to cook this meal. And so I started really realizing like holy crap, it just keeps coming back to that thought. It keeps coming back to this thing that I've told myself that there's not enough time for me. Right. And then it, it started, like I started finding it in every sphere of my life. And when I started showing myself evidence of like the opposite, when I would kind of catch myself scrolling Instagram for three hours, I'd be like huh, turns out. I do have time, probably that time to make a meal right now. Right. Like I kept seeing it. And then it's like slowly, that thought just started changing. Like I would just get to like no, I do have time. I just don't want to do this. Now I have time enough to do this. Like it's just not something that's a priority for me or whatever. Then it became easier to change the thought. But I wasn't like it. Wasn't like I wanted to go from, I don't have enough time to like keep like a lot of people talk. And like you know, time is just a construct. It's like you can tell me that shit all day long. But like if my thought is I don't have enough time, I'm holding onto that thought for like dear life. And so it kind of takes a little bit of really getting to know yourself. And I think that our feelings and our thoughts, and I talked about this in the video on jealousy today, there's such beautiful messages into like how you are, your subconscious is thinking, what you think you're lacking, what you think you need. Right. And if you kind of slowed down to realize, like why am I, I think this, like I feel, you know, I dunno not good enough or lonely or whatever. Why am I thinking that? You know, and realizing like this is what I need right now. I need like to feel like I'm loved. How do I give that to myself? Like it allows you to meet yourself where you're at. It allows for more self-acceptance, as opposed to like this is a problem. I have to stamp it out. This is one more thing that's wrong with me that I need to change. It's more of just like what am I feeling? Why do I keep thinking this? Why have I told myself this? You know, like so I would spend a lot of time in that discovery. Awesome. Okay, Tiffany. Hello, my friend.
Hello, my friend. So I am wondering how, if you can give me a reminder, how you get clarity on what you really want. If you've got like awesome options that you love in front of you, done the quitting for the most part
But now I've got like three awesome things that like I've started. And like now, as I've just cracked it, I'm like oh shit, I know nothing about all of them. And so I need to like learn a bunch of stuff, but I feel like I don't have time to learn all of them. And then relatedly with what you said earlier, how do you constrain? Cause I am not good at that.
Such a great question. So here's the problem with decision-making or we all have, okay. You fundamentally believe that there is a right and a wrong decision. Like one of them you're going to pick and behind door number one is my dream life. Everything I ever wanted, I'm going to be so happy. Right. And behind door number two, it's going to be complete failure. And who knows, what's going to happen behind door number three. So I have to find the one that is right. And we put so much pressure. What is that decision going to lead to? And so we'd stay stuck. And that is why we don't constrain a lot of times, right. Is because it's like I don't want to give up, what if one of these is not the right one, right. I have to hold on to everything because like if I let go of something that could have been the right one and I didn't know, then what do I do? Right. And the thing is, is that, um, as I said earlier, and I think when you really understand, not just like an intellectual level, but when you really started observing and really understand that life is always 50/50, any of these decisions you make, they're going to be both good and bad. They're going to have pros and cons. There's not one that's going to be this incredible decision, right, that you're going to make. When you understand that and you realize, and a lot of times people ask me like well if it's 50/50, then what's the point, right? What's the, why have goals? Like if I'm just going to always be both positive and negative emotions, and really the point is just growth, that's all it is, all of this stuff, right? It's like how do I grow into like the best version of myself? How do I grow into like the most mind-blowing life I can have and have the most experiences. Right. And so I would say ask yourself that, is which one's going to make you grow the most and grow in the way that you want to? None of them are right. You just have to pick one and go, and then here's the other thing about making a decision. You have to have your own back regardless of what you make. Right? So what we do a lot of times, like we make the decision, we only have a limited amount of information. We make a decision as we go, we get a lot more information, right. We learn like maybe we don't like our coworkers or maybe the work isn't what I thought it was going to be. And then we beat ourselves up. It's like dang it, I knew I shouldn't have decided this one. My gut was going with the other one. Why didn't I think, you know, whatever. And then that's why so many of us get so terrified to make a decision because like we know we're going to beat ourselves up. If it's not the quote unquote right one. And what you have to start practicing is like I'm going to make this decision and I'm going to have my own back regardless, because like whatever happens, I'm going to learn. I'll learn. And then I'll pivot. I'll learn. And then I'll pivot. And the last thing I will say is that no decision is final. I mean, we'll not know but when it comes to work, right? Some decisions might be final, but like I'm talking like very limited ones. You can always change your mind. We are so taught that you're not allowed to change your mind. And that's why we get into a career. And then it's like well, I'll never be able to leave. So the next one better be right. And it's like no, even that one can not be right. And you can decide, alright, this wasn't it either. Good to know. What's the next one. Right? So I think for you, it's like which one's going to be more fun, which one's going to blow my mind more, which one's going to make me grow. I'll choose that. And then if I don't like that, I will change my mind again.
Awesome. Oh, Sam!
Hey, how’s it going?
Good, how are you?
I’m good, thanks. How do you like you know, I love the idea of changing your mind. And like someone told me recently, you know, make a decision, live with it, die with it, then change your mind, which I loved. But like at the same time, you know, at some point you have to make the decision and not keep going back to like well, what if, right? Like how do you, how do you mitigate those? Like do you keep changing your mind forever and allow yourself to do that? Or at some point, at what point do you just stop allowing yourself to think about it and make the choice?
I think you make the choice and you don't go back. Like you don't go back to think like it's not about like oh, let me go back and think what if I had done this other thing, let me beat myself up and say like what if I, you know, like that's definitely try to stop that kind of thinking where it's like we've decided to do this. There is a very, very real need to commit to something. Okay. So I absolutely think like you have to give yourself a certain amount of time because oftentimes we end up quitting something because we're too scared. So what I want you to know is that with any decision that you're making, when I say there's no right or wrong decision, you always have to know what your reasons are for making that decision and then make sure you like those reasons. Okay. Make sure the reason you want to quit is a good reason. Okay? So like when you are doing something and let's say you've done it for a little bit and it's not working or something and you have negative feelings. Cause you think I'm not good enough. Or other people don't, are judging me or whatever. Those are not great reasons to quit something like that's fear stopping you and you haven't let yourself go all in. Then you have to like really come to terms with that. So it's like no, I'm going to commit for a year to do this project. Because like that's how long it's going to take for me to figure it out or whatnot. What I mean by you can always change your mind is like I think the more we stop looking at longevity as a marker of success and start realizing like both growth and what we want, you know, whether it's in a relationship, whether it's in your career, changing your mind is okay. If you get to place where you're like this chapter is done for me, I've learned what I needed. It was fun. I'm ready to try something else. I'm not doing it because I'm trying to run away from myself because I'm beating myself up because it wasn't good enough. Or it's just genuinely, I tried it and it wasn't for me. Like I tried entrepreneurship, I started this Etsy bit store and I didn't really want to do an Etsy store. Like that's okay, you're allowed to do that. It's more of like I ha, I feel so terrible because I'm not making it a success so I'm constantly beating myself up because everybody else is figuring it out except for me. And why am I so dumb and whatever. So I'm just gonna quit. Cause it feels so terrible like that's not a good reason to quit, that that's like work on those thoughts. Cause they're all lies and figure out why you're not sticking to it. So this is a really difficult question to answer a lot of times because every decision is going to depend on why you're doing it. And like nobody else can tell you that, that's more of like again that the really self-awareness and the introspection of like why am I making this decision? I just, what I mean, wait, when I say it with Tiffany too, is that I think we put so much pressure on every decision. It's like it has to be the right one. It has to be a success. People always ask me like I'm terrified to do this, or I don't want to waste the money. How can I guarantee that it'll work? I'm like you can't. What in life is a guarantee, right? Like there is nothing like that. So if you're waiting for that, you'll wait forever. But if you know, like no, I know my reasons for wanting to try this and I'm going to try it. I'm going to learn and I'm going to use it and it's going to help me like support me. Great, go for it. And then if you don't like it, change your mind.
Mhm, thank you so much.
You're welcome. Alright you guys, thank you guys so much. This was so fun. I'm so glad you guys joined me and hopefully I'll see you next month.
Thank you so much for listening. I can't tell you how much it means to me. If you liked the podcast, please rate and review us on iTunes, it'll help other people find the show. If you want to connect or reach out, follow along on Instagram and Facebook at Lessons From a Quitter and on Twitter at QuitterPodcast, I would love to hear from you guys and I'll see you on the next episode.