Hey, welcome to Lessons From A Quitter, where we believe that it is never too late to start over. No matter how much time or energy you've spent getting to where you are. If ultimately you are unfulfilled, then it is time to get out. Join me each week for both inspiration and actionable tips so that we can get you on the road to your dreams.

Hello my friends, and welcome to another episode. I'm so excited you are here. I wanna talk to you today about something that I think is not noticed enough in the key to a lot of success, happiness, um, wellbeing, resilience, and I think is needed more than ever. Luckily, it is being talked about more. I do see it more now in kind of the conversation on social media, and that's the need for community in all aspects of your life. But really to understand, um, how important having a supportive community is to your mental wellbeing, your emotional wellbeing, and your actual success, your success in life. I think that the word gets thrown around a lot, and we all know that we should have community, but I don't think we really understand how pivotal is. It is. And one of the things I've been really thinking a lot about in my own life, I've sort of been observing different things about my life and just noticing different things about what has helped me, um, in different aspects, not just in work and kind of my career, but also in parenthood and family life and just the happiness I have.
And the thing that I've been really coming to appreciate as I get older is the amount of community that I have built and that I have always had. So I didn't build it all, but I know coming from a Iranian background, from an Iranian culture, I grew up with a lot of community, like in a very, um, tight-knit community. And I come from a culture that is, um, community based, like community first. And here's the thing, there is a lot of benefit to
Individualism. I think there's a lot of benefit. Like everything is 50 50 and I've, I think that I have benefited from being raised most of my life in America where there is this rugged individualism. And I think there's a lot of beauty in that, in not having to be like the rest of the tribe and being able to find your own unique strengths and your own unique personality. And, um, I think in a, in a world where we are now connected to everybody and so many things, it's easier to find your own community that is not based on just the people around you, which is what historically humans have had to rely on community. And so I'm very grateful for being able to, you know, think about what is best for me and to put up boundaries and to be able to protect myself and to have those options.
I think there's a very important part to that. But I also have noticed coming from a community-based culture, how much this individualism can cause burnout and can cause loneliness and can cause stress. And, um, it's fascinating to me because I can see both sides of the cultures that I've grown up in to see not just the benefits, but really the drawbacks. And one of the things I started noticing about my own story was how much support I had in times of need, and not just times of like, um, maybe need that is noticeable or I guess, you know, like grief, you lose a loved one, obviously like people in your community kind of rally. But even in small things, even in little things like if you lose a job or you know you're sick, um, I never really understood how important it was that if I was sick somebody would bring me soup, you know, like my mom or my mother-in-law or my cousins would call and me like, well, let me just drop this off.
And, um, I know that a lot of people don't have that. I started noticing it really intensely when I had my first child because I come from a culture where it is very, you are very supported by the women around you during birth. And, um, you know, in Iran back in the day, like women weren't supposed to get outta bed for the first 40 days after, after they gave birth, which actually is not physically good for you, you should be walking. But the point was that like you didn't think about doing dishes or doing, you know, making dinner that night or, um, taking care of the house when you just gave birth like a week ago, let alone like going back to work, which is absurd in this culture. Um, but I started really noticing that and comparing myself to a lot of my counterparts, my American counterparts who didn't have any help, who would come home from the hospital and it would just be them and their husband and they would kind of figure it out on their own or have to figure it out on their own and maybe have to take care of a toddler.
And maybe they had some people, like some friends check in on them. But it wasn't the way that I saw kind of my Iranian friends or myself where, you know, my mother would come and stay with me for weeks and, um, my mother-in-law would constantly bring me food every day or night and take care of my son and take my son over there while I, you know, when I had my daughter. And there was just this level of, um, support that clearly was going to have a difference in the outcome of my, you know, uh, pregnancy journey in the newborn stage, in the outcome of my children's success because I wasn't run ragged. And I did, uh, suffer from some postpartum, um, blues, depression, whatever you wanna call it. I don't know if it was to the level of other people's postpartum depression, but I did deal with a lot of that.
And I now think about like how impossible it would have been had I not had support. Like had I had to go through that and be the sole one person responsible for keeping my son alive, for keeping myself alive, for feeding everybody, for cleaning the house, it would've been more soul crushing than it already was. Like it was already such a hard time. And I remember in that moment really thinking like, my God, how do people do it without community? How do people do it when there isn't someone there to help him? And again, there is the 50 50 to this. Like, I realize because of that there's a lot of give, right? That's what I take. I also give, I also show up for my community. I also do a lot of things I don't technically want to do, or I would rather spend my weekend, you know, with my friends or by myself.
But it's like showing up for family when they need it, when someone else sick, when somebody invites you, even if you don't wanna go, because you want to make them feel good because you wanna deepen those bonds because you wanna have that relationship. And so I say this to say like, when you start seeing a give and take, you realize how much it, it isn't just about like, oh, I need to take care of myself. It's how do we take care of the whole or the collective? And I've just been thinking about this topic a lot, um, in, in thinking about different, like, parts of my own journey. And I think about a lot of the success I've had, um, with this business with, um, even when I was a lawyer. And I really sit back and like, as I've been kind of analyzing it, really think about how important community was in any of those successes for me.
Like it, this, the, this myth of like doing it alone or pulling yourself up by your bootstraps is just that it's a myth and nobody is doing it alone. And the people that you know, it's not to say that you can't be successful if you don't have a community. It's just that it is so much harder. It is so much harder for you, right? And I know for me, when I wanted to be an entrepreneur, when I started my first company, the photo booth company, I didn't have a, a large entrepreneurship community. I didn't know a lot of people. I was sort of trying to do it on my own. And it showed, the end product showed right? Because I didn't have people to bounce ideas off of. I didn't have people to lean on. And I started growing that community. I remember distinctly at that time, me and my husband talking a lot about how lonely we felt in this entrepreneurship kind of journey.
Because the same community that I had that was wonderful for helping me with my children or helping me, you know, socially or helping me feel connected could not be the same community that helps me build a business. 'cause they didn't do that. They hadn't done that. They didn't have that skillset. They didn't understand, you know, my mother and mother-in-law and cousins were great about understanding motherhood because they went through it. And so they knew exactly what I needed before I needed it. They gave me that education, right? Like that wealth was passed down, their education was passed down to me in order for me to figure out what is normal right now. Because as most mothers know, like especially when you have your first kid, it is one of the most terrifying and kind of, um, you know, rocking events. It completely throws you off your axis because everything changes.
And so you need other people to kind of light the way and say like, Hey, this is normal. It's totally okay. You shouldn't be able to do this. There's nothing wrong with you for not doing that. It's okay that you feel this way. And having that was like the biggest security blanket that allowed me to like process what I was going through and, you know, get my feet on the ground and figure out what I was doing. And when I started doing entrepreneurship, I realized that I didn't have people that knew what they were doing. There was people that could support me or people that were thinking like, oh, it's so great that you're doing this. That's wonderful. Cheerleaders are great. But it was different than a community of people that are like, yeah, I get it. This is really hard. This does suck. This is what you should focus on.
Don't focus on that. Don't worry about that right now. Do this, do that. And um, I see a marked difference between my success in this business versus the success I had, um, in my first business. Because in my first business I tried to do it all on my own. And I did go to meetups and I did get involved in a little bit of like the tech scene, but I was so terrified to like, invest. I was so terrified that I was gonna make the right wrong choice. I was sort of this one foot in, one foot out that I didn't really embed myself in those communities. I was still kind of in this lost place of like, do I wanna go back and get a job? Am I really gonna do this? Um, I didn't really wanna spend money. I didn't really have a lot of money to spend.
And so I ended up sort of trying to white knuckle it and push through and just figure it out. And there is a lot of information out there. And so you can sort of be lulled into thinking, well, I just need more information. I just need to read more books. Or I need to take another course, or I need to whatever. And I know for me, when I started coaching or when I wanted to get certified, I distinctly remember the feeling of being in one of my first rooms with a community of other online business like coaches. And it simply felt like an exhale. Like it's the best way to describe it. It felt as though a weight was lifted off of my chest. And I was like, oh, oh, they get it. 'cause every conversation I had was like soul filling because people would understand what I was going through and people would be like, yeah, oh my God, me too.
This is what I did. And they would give me answers and they would point me in the right direction and they would tell me what to do. And I didn't have to reinvent the wheel. And I felt seen and I felt heard and I felt like what? I wasn't crazy for wanting this and I wasn't crazy for not knowing how to do this. And I shouldn't have been born knowing this. And there's nothing wrong with me. And all of this shame and this guilt and all this, um, pressure that I had seemed like it was instantly lifted. And I remember being in that, it was a mastermind that I had joined and, you know, the teaching and the business coach was fine. It was great. But it was being in that community that shifted so much for me in this business that allowed me to feel like, oh, okay, they got me.
Someone's there. If I try this, I can go back to them. I can, you know, figure it out. And that was sort of when I went all in on, on communities. I started joining different groups. I started joining different masterminds. I joined free ones, I joined paid ones. 'cause I was like, the more I surround myself with these people that get it, that can help me, that understand what I'm going through, that can just be a listening ear. They're not gonna solve my problems. There was no magic bullet. They didn't like tell me what to do for my business. They didn't do it for me. Right? I, it, it's not that it's going to replace everything, but it is a key part of it. And I don't think that we realize that enough. I think for so many of you, you have these dreams. You wanna be the speaker or write the book or have the business or change your jobs or have a more fulfilling job or be more creative or whatnot.
And I think you think I just need to figure out this path. I just need to figure out what steps to take. As opposed to like, I need to put myself within this community of people that are doing this. I need to like be within a group that understands me, right? I need to be the, the it within this journey of becoming this person or doing this thing. It is very rare that I will do it by myself. And it's so much harder and not fun. It's so much more boring, right? It's so much, uh, more frustrating to not have people to lean on and for you to be the same, right? For you to be the same in that community for people that come after you. And so I want you to really take this component or this aspect seriously in your life. I want you to ask yourself like, where am I missing community?
Where am I feeling lonely? I'm, I'm telling you this, I did feel this when I was starting my entrepreneurship journey. I kept thinking like, but where do I find these people? I felt very lonely because nobody in my life understood at the time what I wanted to do. And it was a really hard place to try to talk to people that wanted to be supportive. But they had their own fears. They were raised with their own programming. They, you know, came from their own backgrounds. And so they would put those fears on me or they would try to protect me. And all that would do would make me feel more lonely. 'cause I was like, they don't get it. And I remember when I was got in these rooms that like, that feeling of, oh, they get it, they get it. I don't have to describe it, I don't have to explain myself.
They get, it is such a comforting feeling, right? It's such a like, held feeling. And so I want you to un understand this, not just because I'm telling you this because science backs this up. Humans need co-regulation, right? It is a term from neuroscience that describes how the human nervous system sinks up in relationships, right? The studies have shown that being around people that are supportive around calm, supportive people helps lower your cortisol levels, right? It helps increase oxytocin. This is why like even venting to a friend feels better than, um, just spinning about something in your own mind. I know like we get, society has tried to like label women as like gossips or as like being judgmental, but it is a part of human biology to want to talk about your problems. Even if the other person can't fix it. They're not your therapist.
They don't need to be. But there's something that happens in that connection. It's not just emotional, it's biological, right? You're wired to feel safer and more resilient when you are surrounded by people that support you. I want you to imagine it like this. Like it's as if you have a safety net. If you're gonna walk a tightrope, do you feel more comforted if there's a safety net under you? Of course you do, right? That experience of white walking that tightrope, like the pressure is lowered a little. It's like, yeah, obviously I don't wanna fall and I still wanna learn how to wa walk this, but I know that if I do, I'm not gonna die. I know that if I do, there's somebody here to catch me. There's a safety net there. And so this isn't beyond just like, oh, it's fun to have a community.
You are wired for it. We were never supposed to, uh, live in the types of societies that we live in. I know I say this like I'm on a broken record at this point. I say it in like every episode. But the way that our society has created where we are, you know, in these nuclear families, everybody lives, you know, kind of alone with your immediate family. You don't live with extended family. We don't live in villages. We are expected to do everything, every kind of, um, uh, aspect of it alone. Everything is supposed to be like all of the domestic work, all of whatever. Your now, you know, actual work, work, all of it's supposed to be. Like you're supposed to handle that. And there's a reason we all feel so overwhelmed. 'cause it was never like that. Nobody ever raised children all by themselves.
Nobody ever did all of the domestic work by themselves. It was a village. It was a tribe, right? And we've been taken out of that and we've been put in these systems, but I think more sinister than that is that we've been fed this lie that you should be able to do it on your own. That there's something wrong with you if you need help. That, like, especially in America, we like have this like obsession with this idea of like, not just underdogs, but like, you know, pulling yourself up by the bootstraps and you know, being the person that nobody believes in. And then you kind of push through and you show all of them. And we're all, it's like working with this chip on our shoulder of like, I have to prove that I can do this alone. But why would you ever want to?
And you can't. I mean, like, we all stand on the shoulders of the people that came before us, that created the possibilities that allowed us to do what we are doing. You know, whether you're a woman that's allowed to work, it's because other people fought for that. It's because other people worked with that. It's always been community. And I think that when you recognize the importance of that component, that it is, I would say, as important as anything else, as important as the funding that you have, as important as the knowledge that you're gonna learn is being in these communities because it's going to speed up your learning. It's gonna be like, instead of me ramming my head into a wall and trying something 40 times, somebody in this community's gonna be like, Hey, try this. And that one thing is gonna speed up two years of learning, right? That might be the difference between me quitting because I'm so frustrated and me actually moving forward. Like that component of somebody being able to help me or to let me know that it's okay is what will make the difference.
Isolation fuels that stress and burnout. Isolation fuels the shame of like, there is something like, it's almost this confirmation of like, look, there's some kind of flaw within me. I just can't get it done. I don't know what I'm doing. And it increases that stress level. It increases your, um, cortisol, it leads to like cognitive decline. All of these things have been studied and tested. And so your burnout thrives in that isolation. One of the reasons that I, um, very adamantly do group programs, and I don't like doing one-on-one work. I, I think that there is a time and place for one-on-one coaching, and I understand the, um, um, impact it can have. So I'm in no way saying that one-on-one coaching is bad. It isn't. I've had one-on-one coaches for myself, I do like it. But for me, from very early on, one of the things that I noticed was how much people found change when they were in a group coaching setting, even if they never got coached, even if they never raised their hand.
Because one of the things I would notice is that, and this happened with me myself when I joined a membership, um, a coaching membership, and I never went to any calls. I just listened to the calls on their podcast replay and I started allowing it to change the way that my brain works. I started understanding with every person that would raise their hand and ask for coaching. I saw my own problems in them when they would ask for something, even if it wasn't the exact same situation. Let's say they had an issue with their son, but it was a boundary issue that I had with someone else. Maybe I had it with my mother or maybe I had it with, you know, a coworker and I could relate to that person. But what it did for me was I started realizing, huh, I'm not alone. It's not just me. There's not something wrong with me because I can't say no to this person. Like, I was socialized this way and this person is doing the exact same thing. And it was easier for me to see how that person was wrong. Like, it was easier for me to say like, no, you're allowed to say no, or you're allowed to stand up for yourself, or whatever it would, whatever the case may be. But it was harder for me to see it for myself.
And I started noticing this in my coaching programs. I started noticing for so many people that have so much shame around their own thoughts, right? They have so much like this unending pressure of like, there is something wrong with me. There's something deeply wrong with me. We all have this like insane belief that we're not good enough and that there's some inherent flaw within us as a person that we need, that we're broken and we need to change. And it's fascinating to watch people have that lift just by listening to other people, just by watching other people be coached. How easy it becomes for people to normalize their own thoughts and be like, oh, maybe there's nothing wrong with me. Maybe this is just a human thought. Maybe the human brain just does this and I have the same thoughts as everybody else and there's nothing wrong with that thought.
And how do I wanna deal with it? And I started watching so many people be changed simply because they saw how normal they were. They saw what a normal human experience it was. And so the, the value, the impact of group coaching in my mind is far more than just the like in like the, the tools that you get and the fact that it might be more affordable to be able to do it in group. It's being in that community, it's be, it's listening to other people that have the same problems. It's creating that connection of like, there is nothing wrong with me. I do not need to feel alone in this. Right? I'm adamant about getting, I know it's hard for some people to get coached in a group coaching setting because we're all nervous and we don't wanna be judged and we don't wanna come off a certain way, but this is a hill I will die on because I have seen it over and over again.
And I've heard it from my clients talk about like how they thought they wouldn't like group coaching or like they wanted to coach on their own, but they realized like when they did coaching on their own, that they were still just sitting with their own problems. And they still had this idea of like, why can't I just get over it? What is wrong with me? But then when they got into group coaching programs, they started realizing, oh, there's nothing wrong with me. I'm just like everybody else. And there's something so comforting in that, in knowing that, right? In letting go of this ridiculous belief that there is something wrong with you.
And so I say this because I think that it is really important for all of us, especially as we are moving through this world that can seem so much more chaotic. And there is so much noise and there's so much fear and there's so much negative emotion kind of pumped at us all the time through the news that it is more important than ever to find a community that you feel safe in, that you feel seen in, that you feel connected to. And like I said, I did feel like I was lonely when I was starting my entrepreneurship journey. And I remember asking myself like, what can I do to feel more connected? Who, where can I go? And I started going to meetup groups. You can do this even online. Like there's tons of, you know, Reddit groups like, you know, subreddits and uh, Facebook groups and online groups and different programs of like-minded people, of people that are struggling with whatever it is you're struggling with or that have some kind of identity similar to you or have some kind of viewpoint that is something you are going through. I cannot emphasize how important it's to get in those groups. There are free groups if you can't afford it. There are paid groups where, you know, maybe the caliber of help or the caliber of, um, commitment is going to be more. 'cause people, everybody there is sort of working on something similar.
It is life changing. I, I truly feel like in the last 10 years, that community aspect has probably been more, um, integral to any success I've had than the actual information that I've learned here and there from different like, books and um, uh, programs. It's this simply learning from other people and co-regulating with other people and having my fears be validated by other people and being able to talk through things with other people. It is so important for your happiness, for you to actually enjoy this journey, for you to stick with it, for you to decide what you want. And so I cannot urge you enough to find communities. And it's okay if you don't have one right now. It's okay if it's gonna take some time. And I will say this as a final note, you also have to be a community member. This is a big thing.
You cannot just take, I think a lot of people want to go into a community not consciously thinking like, I'm just gonna take, but we're nervous and we're scared and we don't wanna like put ourselves out there and we don't want to, you know, be judged or whatnot. So we lurk like we we're just a lurker there. We come in and we don't do anything and we don't say anything. We don't ask for anything. We don't ask for help. You're gonna get what out, what you put in. And I think that one of the biggest things that I think a lot of times on social media right now, you hear a lot of talk about community, like how much we need community, but I don't think a lot of people understand what it means to be a community member. I don't think a lot of people understand like what it means to like, have to do the thing that you don't want to do.
Have to do the thing that is scary. You have to do the thing that requires bravery, have to do the thing that you know is sucks or is gonna take time away from you. Like that. It is a slow build of, uh, relationships. I say this when I, you know, as, as a follow up to saying like, I felt very lonely for a long time. And then it got to the point where like I was, we were thinking, me and my husband were talking about this like two years ago. It's like now I dunno if it's possible to have too much community. I'm like, we are inundated because we are in a bunch of different groups. We're in in-person groups in our city, we are in online groups. We've created kind of small, um, friendships that have lasted in, um, kind of the entrepreneurial space that we meet up with.
And so now it's like an abundance of community, which is a good problem to have. But I say that to say like, it didn't happen overnight, but it can happen because we were like both very strategically investing in like, what are the communities we wanna build? What are the communities we wanna keep adding to? And so if you're gonna go into these spaces, you have to like, yes, it's going to feel scary. And this is where you get to be brave. This is where you get to learn that courage and you get to put yourself out there and you get to ask for the things you need and you get to help other people. And you get to like understand that like your input also matters. And that in order to have a community, it's not like only the smartest people get to talk or only the people that have the most experience.
It's a matter of like different perspectives and people coming from different walks of life and people, um, being able to add what it is that they get to add. And so we need you in that community, like actually being active, being a participant in order for it to run, otherwise it's going to collapse. That's not, community is not just like a take type of thing. And so I want you to like, one actionable item is like, I want you to ask yourself like, where are you feeling the most alone? Where are you feeling as though you are lacking community? Is it in your personal life? Is it in your professional life? Is it in the dreams in your creativity that you wanna go after? Is it in fun, right? Where is it where you're like, I would really like to connect more with humans? And then what, what's one thing you could do today?
What is one thing you could look up? Is there something in your city that you could look up? Is it something online? Like can you just join a Facebook group? Maybe you could join a Facebook group of that kind of community in your city, right? Like there's, I'm in a Facebook group that's like moms for my city, right? Or you can, I'm in a Facebook group for Persian moms in my city. It's like there's so many different communities. There's so many different identities that you kind of identify with. You could join an entrepreneurship group. You get my point. Just find something. Don't let this just be like another lesson that you're like, yeah, you know, I do need more community. Like, use it as um, the impetus to start something, to start that connection because it will not only change your success rate, it will change the process and the journey.
Like you shouldn't have to do this alone. It's very hard. Life is very hard and it's so much harder to try to do it alone. And so there's nothing wrong with you when you feel sort of, I think for a lot of us that are going through a lot of depression, anxiety, sadness, grief, it's because like, again, we weren't meant to live like this. So you have to change that. You have to figure out how can I get those communities and how can I make sure that I have that support around me? What is one thing I can do? How can I start building that? And if you want that support with respect to your career and kind of the day-to-day life that you live and managing your mind and you know that there's a difference, you don't want to do this kind of self-help stuff alone.
You want to like have a group of people that are normalizing their, uh, beliefs and changing their thoughts and, um, wanting to go after something bigger and not wanting to live on this kind of hamster wheel. I want you to join me in the Quitter Club. That's the membership that I have. That is where you will find the most supportive people who are showing you how to be human, who are showing you that you don't have to be perfect and you can show up as yourself and you can have whatever problems you're having and it will help you feel so seen and it will help you feel so normal because you will see what other people struggle with. Um, even if you don't show up and ask your own questions in the beginning and you just listen to the coaching calls on a podcast, I promise you it'll help you start rewiring your brain.
'cause you'll start seeing how normal all of this stuff is. So if you want help with that, I would love to have you in the Quitter Club. You can go to Quitter Club, uh, I'm sorry, lessonsfromaquitter.com/quitter club and sign up there on the wait list for when doors open. Um, otherwise find a community that fits for you and get in there. It is the difference between enjoying the journey and hating the whole way there until you get to some quote unquote success. That likely won't be as exciting as you think it will. Um, all right, my friends, I hope this was helpful. I will see you next week for another episode.