Studies have shown the most important factor for reaching your goals isn’t more motivation or willpower. It is being surrounded with people that will hold you accountable and support you. You already know you’re more likely to give up on your goals if you’re the only one who knows about it. On this week’s podcast, I talk about how being in communities that supported me through this journey of career change is the only reason I have the business I have today and how you can start finding your community too.
The Power of Communities
Ep. 243
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Show Transcript
Hey, welcome to Lessons from a Quitter where we believe that it is never too late to start over. No matter how much time or energy you spent getting to where you are. If ultimately you are unfulfilled, then it is time to get out. Join me each week for both inspiration and actionable tips so that we can get you on the road to your dreams.
Hello my friends. Welcome to another episode. I'm so excited to have you here. How are you all? I am fantastic. I am so excited to talk about this topic. I've talked about the power of communities before here and there. If you listen to the podcast, I've talked a lot about how different communities have really changed the trajectory of my career and my life and my happiness and so many things. And I really started realizing how powerful putting yourself in rooms with people that you want to be surrounded with is for your mental health, for how your self concept, your self identity, your belief, what you go after, really everything.
(01:09):
And I've never done a full standalone topic on it and I was thinking about this cuz next week I'm going to yet another community event, another group event. I'm going out to Miami for another business type conference and I'll explain a little bit about why I do these conferences so much and I've been doing 'em more and what I really get out of them and really this idea of community is behind not only what I do for myself personally and I go to these events, it's why I started the Quitter Club and why I believe so deeply in creating a group that is sort of insulated from other people who don't share the same beliefs, right? And putting yourself in a group of people that can support you. So that's what we're gonna talk about today. Here's the thing, it has been proven through tons and tons of research that who you surround yourself with impacts pretty much everything that you do right?
(02:10):
Impacts your life in numerous ways. There's a reason that cliche or that saying of you are, I don't know, what is it? You are the sum of the five people that you spend the most time with. It's not a way of wanting to shame your friends or family or whatnot and try to get you to level up and be around other people. It's just the fact that human beings are social creatures. We are created to be in community. The way our brains are wired is to be in community. And truly the way our brains are wired is to mirror each other. So we have mirror neurons where if you've ever noticed, like when you see someone laughing, you don't even have to know what they're laughing about. You start laughing, right? If someone is hysterically laughing and can't stop, have you noticed that you start actually like laughing out loud and you don't even know what they're doing?
(03:03):
Have you ever had someone that is laughing at a joke, they can't get a joke out, they can't get the punchline of the joke cuz they're laughing so hard and you just laugh even though you don't even know what the punchline of the joke is yet because your are watching them, your brain is mirroring them. You have neurons that fire that wants to mirror the person you are with. Okay? Same thing happens with think about why we feel so tense and uncomfortable and maybe anxiety ridden. If you are around someone who's also exhibiting those behaviors, it doesn't even have to be something that is affecting you. If you are around someone that's angry, it causes you. If you are allowed just your kind of subconscious brain and your natural wiring to take over, it causes you to feel more anger or to feel a lot of negative emotion.
(03:50):
If you're around someone who's super anxious or super tense, you tend to feel tense. This is why for so many of us, I actually think thought work. One of the most powerful ways that I've used thought work is learning how to observe myself, trying to mirror other people and be able to change it a little bit, right? To know that I don't have to be angry about this person's anger. They get to be angry, they can have whatever emotions they want. I get to manage my own emotions. I get to still be happy if I want to be. And that has been some of the most powerful ways of using thought work is really understanding that even in a relationship, I don't have to have the same emotions as my partner or as my friends or whoever I'm in community with. I get to decide.
(04:30):
But when we don't know that, and that is not always easy to do and it's not always conscious and it happens sometimes in a split second, knowing that the people that you are around, if you don't wanna do thought work all day long every day, it just helps to be around people that might exhibit the values that you have, the characteristics that you have, the demeanors that maybe you want, right? If somebody is angry all the time, it's not so fun to be around them. Like even if you can manage your own mind and you can be perfectly fine, that can be exhausting. Sometimes we just wanna be around a person that laughs at everything and is excited about everything, right? We have the mirror and neurons, so that's one part of it. They've also done tons of studies of the proximity effect and how we are influenced highly influenced by the people we are in community with.
(05:18):
So if you hang around smokers or drinkers, you are statistically way more likely to become a smoker or drinker. We see this in every avenue. Look in your closet, right? You tend to buy things that people in your community, people closest to you buy. This is how trends happen. It's always so fascinating to me. Like I'll see a trend of something and I'm like, no way we're wearing that. No way that's happening. Why are people dressing like this? And then I see my friends wear it, right? It catches on at some point and slowly you're like, that's kinda cute. I actually don't mind that. I could probably rock that, right? You go buy that fanny pack that you wear sideways that everybody's apparently doing. You get the point. Even things that initially you're like, I wouldn't wear that. Think about every decision we make. Why do we dress the way we dress?
(06:07):
Why do we, if you look at different cultures, this becomes very apparent. Why is it that we do some things in our culture and other people don't in their cultures? Why is it that when you go to another country it's so strange for you to see how people do certain things because that's not the way that you do it back home. And it's simply because other people in your community also decided like, this is how we're gonna dress, this is what we're gonna eat, this is what we're gonna do. And we're like, all right, that sounds good. I'll do that too. And then I started noticing this with other things too. Have you ever felt very maybe torn about something or even guilty about doing something? An example that comes to mind is like hiring help. We women have been shamed to think they have to do everything and to feel bad if they ever spend money.
(06:46):
And so a lot of women have a lot of guilt around let's say hiring a housekeeper or hiring someone to outsource your laundry or whatnot. And a really fascinating thing is to really think about who are the people around you and what do they think? Because like you grew up in a culture where your mother and your grandmothers like they all did their own cooking and cleaning and laundry and it's unheard of to waste money like that. Like then you have those thoughts, you adopt those same habits of I can't just, what am I rich? I can't just have a housekeeper come even though like financially, it's a lot of times when you look into these things, it's something you could afford. It's like, Hey, can I pay someone 150 bucks every month to come clean the house? Probably, but do I feel guilty about it?
(07:27):
I started noticing this like I would feel guilty about some things and then my friends would start doing it and then I would start questioning, oh, I could probably afford that. I could probably do that too, right? When someone else normalizes it. And if you notice this, like this is obviously why we even have like influencers, like the term influencers, and these are parasocial relationships. They're not the same type of relationships. Obviously this is like a new way that humans are living, but it is still a community. Like the people that you follow, you are in community with them and so you get influenced by them when they tell you that something is cool or something is cute or this is the next trend or this food is delicious, you're like, huh, maybe I should try that. That sounds good. And this isn't good or bad or wrong in any way.
(08:08):
This is the way humans are. And it's actually really helpful in a lot of ways. It's how we learn how to be in community with other people. It's how we like don't reinvent the wheel. It's, it is what it is. But the really important thing of understanding the psychology about it, understanding how your brain works is to see that it can also be your downfall in a lot of ways. So in the same way that you can use this for positive things, it also is obviously used in negative ways. Like I just said. Even that example of being shamed into not having a housekeeper that can cause a lot of stress over the years of your life where you have the money to do it. You just, there's just this morality that has been put into this task apparently by your community. And so you forego the help you forego the convenience so that you don't seem quote unquote bad.
(08:59):
And that can lead to years and years of shame and resentment and anger and hating cleaning the house and doing all these things. When there is a solution, you just don't think you can use it. And now think about how many things are like that. If I am in community, let's say it might be my nuclear home, maybe it's my partner and my kids, maybe it's my immediate family, maybe it's the friends that I hang out with, like I said earlier, like if they're smokers and drinkers, then I'm gonna feel more inclined to do those things. If they tend to want to get together and eat really big meals and nobody really likes exercising and people make fun of everybody that is on a diet or they make fun of everybody that is working out or running a marathon, let's say, guess what your habits are gonna likely be, it's harder to go against that grain.
(09:47):
It's harder to be the person that is like, well I like eating salad and I like the way my body feels when I don't eat all this food and I wanna get up in the morning and go work out. And maybe you can do that. I'm not saying it never happens, obviously in our families and certain social groups, like there are outliers and we can do things differently and we're not all like robots that are the same, but you know what I'm saying. If I've never run a marathon before and I decide that's gonna be my goal for this year, if I'm also surrounded by people that have never run a marathon before and think the idea is stupid and think that I'm crazy and tell me constantly that it's such a waste of time and they can't believe I wake up every morning to run and isn't it painful?
(10:27):
And wouldn't you rather just sleep? Now the thing is, is like you might in that moment be able to say, no, I wanna prove to myself I can do this. But when the alarm clock goes off at 5:00 AM and you have to get up to go run, you already have your own doubts. Like you already have the negative thoughts, you already have the, oh, should I sleep in? And when everybody around you told you like, it's fine, you don't have to do this. It's better not to. What are you insane? What are you trying to prove? Like those loud thoughts that you have in your head, your own insecurities about it or your own thoughts of like, it's so much more comfy to be in my bed is just gonna be louder. It's gonna like, ah, it's just, let's just, I'm not gonna stick with this for four months.
(11:08):
I might as well just give up now. And this is why they've done tons of studies that like you are more likely to stick to your goals if you are in a community with people who also value those goals, value those habits, right? So if you join a community of people that are trying to run a marathon, it will be much easier. Statistically speaking, you are like 95% more likely to reach your goal. Why is that right? It's not because you all of a sudden have more willpower or you all of a sudden have different physical capabilities. It's because they have different thoughts and you mirror those thoughts. And what I like to say is like you get to borrow their belief because a lot of times we lack the belief, especially when we're trying something new or we're putting ourselves out there, we're doing something scary when we haven't done it before.
(11:56):
There is doubt, there is fear that's not going anywhere. You don't have certainty, you don't know how it's gonna turn out. So of course there's uncertainty and with uncertainty for humans comes discomfort. And when you are uncomfortable, it's very easy for your brain to try to talk you into doing something comfortable to just giving it up because it just wants dopamine, it just wants to keep you alive. It just wants to keep you safe. This feels terrible, let's not do this. And so when you're around people who share those same thoughts and trigger those same negative thoughts in you, it's much easier to give up. As opposed to when you're in a community where other people have already run tons of marathons, there's people that are older than you, there's people that are less able-bodied than you that have done it. There's people that are in better shape or worse shape or whatnot, whatever it is, whatever excuse you thought you had, you go into that community and when you voice it, or even if you don't voice it, you see other people you're like, huh, maybe if they can do it, then maybe I can.
(12:52):
And you start borrowing that belief or you start telling them like, yeah, I have a really hard time getting up at 5:00 AM And they're like, yeah, of course you do. We all do. It's terrible. And you feel the relief like, oh it's, there isn't something wrong with me. It's not just me. It's not that I'm defective and I can't run a marathon. This is just how the human brain works, huh? That makes me feel surprisingly better. So the next day when my alarm goes off at 5:00 AM I don't make it mean like, see, I knew you were gonna do this. Of course you don't wanna go, you're lazy. I think, yeah, nobody wants to get up at 5:00 AM to train, but this is what we're doing and I'm meeting the people from this community for my run. So guess what? I'm gonna get up and I'm gonna do it and I'm gonna keep doing it until I reach that goal.
(13:35):
And so I say this because it has been proven that this is the way to reach your goals. That this is one of the biggest factors in whether you will stick to it. Because as we've talked about, willpower is fleeting because there are so many negative emotions. It doesn't mean you can't do it, of course you can. It's just easier, right? You just don't have to do it alone. So why would you when it's so much harder than having support or having people that believe those beliefs. Now I've talked a lot about in my story, I obviously didn't do this consciously, but now I look back and I realize that a really integral part of me quitting or figuring out what I wanted to do was putting myself in communities. And I didn't even do that consciously. What I did was when I quit my job as a lawyer in 2014, I was completely lost and I had zero idea what I was gonna do.
(14:29):
And what I really did think, which is what most people think is, well what can I do with this legal degree? Can I do something adjacent to this? Can I use this degree in another type of job? I had every intention of finding another job because everybody around me just had jobs. That's all I thought I was supposed to do. That's all I thought I could do. I didn't have any skills to run a business. I told myself these stories that like I don't know anything about business and I don't even like business and I don't even care about money and all these other lies that I like to tell myself. And when I was in that space and I was really lost and at the time I just didn't even know where to start, I probably the one of the smartest decisions I've ever made.
(15:09):
I just decided to start going to free meetup groups because I wanted to see what people were doing as jobs. I just didn't even know what jobs were out there. Like I knew kind of the basics, obviously like engineer, lawyer, doctor, like nurse, that kind of stuff. But I didn't know like what does it mean to be a product manager? I, I had no idea. And so I figured I'm just gonna find some meetups that sound interesting, I'm gonna go to them and I'm gonna meet these people. And I went to a bunch of meetups and what was interesting was going now looking back and I laugh and listen, nine outta 10 meetups didn't go anywhere for me. So it could have been a quote unquote waste of time. Like we love to be so concerned about what if I waste my time? But the reality is is like you're not gonna knock it outta the park every single time.
(15:51):
You have to fail in order to succeed. There is that quote of if you wanna increase your rate of success, you have to double your rate of failure. It's just the way it is. And I mean you don't even have to look at it as a failure. It's just like constantly experimenting, take a step then another. And for me, I kind of knew, okay, I know a lot of these are gonna be duds. Like they're not gonna pan out for me. It's not gonna be something I wanna do, but I'll never know the ones I'm gonna wanna do unless I go to all of these, right? So I started just going to like engineer meetups and I went to some like creative meetups, like graphic designers and other types of people that were in the creative field. I went to some like small business meetups, I can't even remember them all.
(16:33):
I went to a lot of like lawyer adjacent like nonprofit meetups and things like that. And I remember it's like I would go into one and like just the energy of the room, I was like Ugh, I do not wanna be here. I do not wanna be talking to these people. I'm sure they were lovely people, but just it seemed so depressing. , I was like everybody was, it was just like a typical networking kind of event. And then I would go to other networking events and it was so lively and fun and I didn't even care what the jobs were. I was like, this seems like a group of people I wanna be around. And even that gave me like a clue in this is the type of stuff I wanna do, this is where I get energy from. And I have talked about this.
(17:08):
Like I went to a tech startup event meetup, no idea what it was. And it was like the funnest meetup I've ever been to. I fell in love. It was very like shark tank style, people pitching their startups. I had no interest in the tech world. I had no interest in a startup. I didn't know if I was gonna start a business. But I just really enjoyed being there and I enjoyed it because people were so excited about what they were doing and they loved what they were doing and people were so friendly and outgoing and welcoming and obviously like we've all watched Shark Tank, it's super interesting to see these things that people come up with and other people like peppering them, them with questions. And it was all just very fascinating. And so I just started going back and I started going to those communities.
(17:56):
And when I say borrowing belief, what was interesting is in the beginning I just kept having the thought, well I could never start a business. And I remember talking to someone and saying that and then he was like, why not? Why would you ever say that? Of course you could. And I remember being taken aback by it and I was like, wait what? I mean, oh, I just don't know how to do anything. And so you think any of these people know what they were doing? And it was so matter of fact that it almost, that's what surprised me the most is that he wasn't just trying to be like, no, you're good. Like you're good enough. Like he wasn't trying to pump me up. It was just really like, wait, I don't understand. Like why wouldn't you be able to? And I remember in that way I was like, wait, can I start a business?
(18:33):
Do I know enough to start a business? And again, it was like the borrowing of belief, right? It was his thoughts that I was borrowing that I was like, wait, there's like a seed planted. Like maybe I could, I don't know what business I would start. I don't know what I would do from here on. I don't know why I would even want it, but like maybe, and I'll spare you the whole toga. But that's what led me to start my photo booth business. And I remember at the time like just being a part of that community, I got much more involved in that tech startup community. It was pivotal in me doing this work because not only was it like networking and they helped me in every area. They helped me find a manufacturer, they helped me find a designer, they helped me find design my booth, they helped me with marketing everything, right?
(19:18):
So it's obviously you're in a community with people that know what they're doing and so you're getting that help. But truly it was that they helped me borrow their belief. Like they helped me at every stage when I kept thinking, no, this is too hard. Like my photo booth business had both software and hardware and I kept thinking, I can't figure both of this out and I figure out the business, I can't do this. And there was so many times where I felt that and it was so many people in that community that I leaned on that we're like, this is not a big deal. Of course you could figure this out. This is what you do here and this is who you need to talk to and I'll put you in contact with this person and we'll figure it out. It's not like this is what everyone does.
(19:52):
And when I started seeing, one of the things I remember the most was like I would meet people that were serial entrepreneurs, like a lot of the people that were kind of investors, they'd come to watch other people pitch. And then when I would talk to them and they would talk about the businesses that they had started, like one of them would say like, oh I, you know, I had started a business in healthcare and I was doing, and we did this service-based business. And then I sold that and then I started making these cartons for water bottles instead of using plastic. And I was like, what? How did you go from a healthcare to like making PLA water bottles that are made out of carton? I was like, oh, cuz it's just the same principles. Like I, I was more interested in this and I remember how much permission that gave me.
(20:31):
Cause at the time I was still struggling with quitting the law and starting something over and it was the only field that I saw that so many people were just constantly doing something new in another industry and it was completely normal and nobody ever batted an eye. And I was like, wait, what? You could just change your mind. You could just sell that that and start something completely new and nobody, you're not thinking like, what am I doing? I don't know what I'm like, I've never done this. And I remember how much that normalized it for me for even changing my mind. That was such a pivotal moment for me to even understand like leaving the law was okay. Like why would I hold myself within these structures that I put myself in? So anyways, I just say that like that being in that community is what completely transformed the trajectory of my life.
(21:15):
What I decided to do, what I thought was possible because as much as my friends and family loved me and as much as maybe even my ex-coworkers and people could be supportive about me quitting, they could not help me figure out what I was gonna do because they've never done it right. They were going to put their fears onto me because that is what humans do because they love me, not because they're mean and they hate me and they're trying to make me doubt myself. They're worried. They also have fears that like you should be in a nine to five that you shouldn't. That starting a business is risky. These are the messages we've been given. And so of course when I talk about it with my friends and like, oh I'm thinking of starting a business, of course they were like supportive but they would constantly be like, well are you sure?
(21:54):
Like how long is that gonna take? And how much money do you have to put in it? And do you even know what you're doing And have you ever done this? And what if this doesn't work? And all of that starts triggering my own insecurities and it would be going to these events and networking with these people that started making me realize, oh it's not my friends and family's role to support me in this. That's not their job. They don't know how but these other people do. And so why don't I lean on them for what I need? Why don't I mirror them Now as I've gone through so many different iterations and I started the podcast and I've started this and I, I look back at myself and I was like, well of course when I was working as a lawyer, when you're in a community of people that have fought into the belief that there's only one way to do it and you have to work these really long hours, you know you can't say no and we're just gonna and complain to each other and we're gonna not change anything and no one's gonna quit.
(22:47):
That becomes the norm. And so you mirror that. It's very difficult to push against that grain. It's difficult to quit, it's difficult to walk away cuz everybody around you is telling you that that is crazy and it's not something you should do except for me. And I'm glad you listened to me cause I can tell you're not crazy, but you get what I mean. Like you have to put yourself in a community where people think that's not crazy. That it's okay to change your mind, to start over, to quit something that you're allowed to grow and evolve and change and of course you should. And why can't you? You have to be able to borrow those beliefs. And the same thing happened to me as I continued on, like I did the freeze tech startup meetups. I even did a lot of free podcasting groups when I wanted to start being a podcaster.
(23:32):
I just put myself in those Facebook groups and I leaned on them with all of my worries and fears and I saw that they had the same ones and I talked to them about my imposter syndrome and who am I to do this and what is everyone gonna think and do we really need another podcast in this world and yada yada yada. And like I can have those same conversations with my friends but they cannot give me the same advice as other podcasters can because they don't know that world. I did the same thing when I started my business when I wanted to become a a coach. I remember the first mastermind that he did. It was like, or I even remember the first conference I went to was like an exhale, like letting out like I found my people because I didn't have to explain like for so many of my friends and family while I wanted to tell 'em what I was doing, it was like constantly like I felt like I had to get them to understand.
(24:23):
I had to explain what I was doing. And when I started going to these conferences where it was for online business owners or life coaches or podcasters or whatever, it was like you're already amongst people that understand what you're doing that understand what your goal is. You don't need to explain it, it doesn't sound crazy, it's not farfetched. And so you can spend that time instead of sort of being defensive or needing people to understand or grappling with your own insecurities. You get to have that time to create and collaborate and get ideas and see what they're doing and borrow their beliefs. And it's the most beautiful and powerful feeling. And that's why I've consistently put myself in communities after I started the podcast. I have always been in some kind of community or another. I've gone to conferences, I've been in mastermind groups, I've been in peer led masterminds.
(25:15):
And I was gonna say, this isn't all just paid stuff. Like I said in the beginning I did meetups and free Facebook groups, then I started creating my own mastermind. I just asked peers in my space that I knew from Instagram I've never met. I asked them if they wanted to meet every month to talk about our businesses so I can have a sounding board for people to talk about what's going on. And then I started doing paid ones. And I will tell you there's a beauty to the paid ones as well. Having someone facilitate it, having someone lead it, having someone that has been where you wanna be and has the beliefs that you want cultivate a room of people. There's truly nothing more powerful. I remember the first mastermind I did and that really is not only skyrocketed in my business but really helped make it so much easier.
(26:00):
Like I had felt like I was kind of pushing a boulder up a mountain for so long and it was carrying my own belief and kind of pushing myself forward with I could do this, I know I can do this, I can make this. And I obviously was a lot of doubt in that. And I remember going into that mastermind group and it was like, oh my god, there's just no more resistance because of course I can do this. I can see all these people doing it. They believe I can do this. They're telling me I can do it. I let all of the pressure and all of the limiting beliefs, I just let them go. I became so much easier. And so I continue to do that. I continue to invest in myself. I continue to go to these conferences. Like I said, I'm in a mastermind group.
(26:38):
I went to New York a month ago with a small group where we meet once a month and we coach in Slack and we have that two day event in New York. And then now I'm going to another event in Miami that Brooke Castillo from the Life Coach School is putting on. And it's a business event and a lot of my favorite coaches will be there that I will get to have a little mini reunion with. And I know I already know, like I've gone to so many of these that I know the power of that weekend. I know getting in a room with these people will change me in ways that like no matter how much work I do on myself, no matter how much self-coaching I do, it will not. I know that like I will get one thought from them, one belief that will carry me, that will take me to whatever level it is that I wanna get to whatever the next thing that I need is.
(27:25):
And I continue to put myself in these communities, not because I need it, quote unquote, I could run my business without it. But why would I, is my question to myself, right? Like why would I try to go through business or life alone? Why would I try to do all of these hard things so I can prove that oh, I did it without anybody when it's so much more fun and so much easier doing it with people that already have the thoughts you wanna have. And so I, I wanted to talk about this because I really wanna encourage you to put yourself in rooms with people that are either doing the things you want to do or being the people you want to be. And even if you don't know what that is, that's okay. Like I said, I just started out going to a bunch of random meetups to see, to observe myself like where am I the most excited?
(28:15):
Where am I the most deflated? Where's my energy low? What am I attracted to? What is the types of work that I wanna be doing? Maybe you need to go through a time of experimentation that the reality is like it's not gonna just come knock on your door and be like, this is what you need to do. Here is your whole strategy. You have to try, you have to be willing to get something is wrong and quote unquote waste some time. But it's not really a waste of time cuz you're learning about yourself and you're learning about what works and what doesn't. And honestly, learning what doesn't work is just as valuable as learning what does. And so I want you to find a community. If you're interested in maybe starting a business, find an entrepreneurial community. You don't have to actually have a business to be in them.
(28:57):
You can just be in there to talk to people, see what they're doing. If you wanna be a coach, find a coaching community. If you wanna be a writer, find a writing community. If you just wanna be around, I don't know, moms that are happier or that are like going for big goals, find a Facebook group. I guarantee you exists. Put yourself around those people. Read their posts. Let their thoughts influence your thoughts, right? Use this proximity effect, use our mirror neurons to your benefit, figure out what you want and then be around those people so you can get that from them. And that's honestly why I created the Quitter Club because I wanted, while I loved the six month program, it was a very small group and it would end and so then it would be a new group. And kind of creating that cohesive feel of a community takes a little bit of time.
(29:46):
And I wanted to create one that is larger, that welcomes everybody who doesn't, doesn't have to be about quitting your job but wants to live a more intentional life. Wants to stop floating through life, kind of directionless wants to stop shaming themselves and having this inner critic wants to make a decision about their career and start actually building it and not sitting in the, I don't know, all day long, right? Wants to believe that it's okay to quit and it's okay to change your mind. And it's okay to not want to give into what society has told us we want. It's okay to not be the perfect mom that does 800 million things all the time. Or the perfect dad who loves playing with their kid even after a long days of work, like doesn't shame themselves. Like I want a community that supports each other through this transition of figuring out like I did the thing that society told me to do, I got the degree, I got the job and I'm not happy and now I wanna figure out something else and I'm ready to reject all the that I've been given.
(30:47):
And I'm ready to like decide for myself what it is I want. I'm ready to find out what it is I want. I'm ready to experiment and fail and put myself out there and try things and figure it out. Because you can have a career you actually love. It's absolutely possible. Undoubtedly for every one of you, you just have to learn some of these tools and what we have created, I'm so, so proud of, I love being in the Quitter Club for this very reason because I wanted people to not have to only have their friends and family to talk to about when they wanna start a side hustle because I know how that conversation goes. I know that your spouse who loves you very dearly is also concerned. And so they're gonna put their doubts on you. I know when your parents find out that you wanna quit your job, they're gonna freak out.
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I know that your coworkers are gonna tell you that it's crazy for you to give up this job because so many people would love to have it. And so I want you to be in a community where there's people that tell you like, of course you want something new. Of course you want something different that's totally normal, that's very human. What are we gonna do about it? What do you wanna do? Let's try it. And that's what it has become. It's one of the most supportive, amazing communities that I love being in. And if you are looking for a community, you want to be with people that will support you on your journey, then I want you to join us. You can go to lessons from a quitter.com/quitter club and you can get on the wait list for when we open. But even if you decide not to join us, I want you to just find a community.
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Even if you right now don't know what you wanna do, find any community, try it out, see if you like those people. And if you don't, I want, this is a really key step. Evaluate why Don't just say, oh, I didn't like it. Get really curious cuz that's where the gold is. Mine, your brain for like, why did I not like this group? What was it about the people? What was it about what they were doing? Because then you'll start getting information, you'll start seeing patterns, you'll start seeing like, oh, I like being around these types of people and I like doing these types of things. And I like when people have these types of, of beliefs and these are my values and this is what I wanna find. And then it becomes a lot easier to find the groups that you actually want, but you have to get started.
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So my friends, you do not have to do this alone. And why would you ever want to put yourself in a community that's going to lift you up, that's going to give you their beliefs so that you can borrow them, so that you can create the life you want. And if you wanna be a part of my community, I would love to have you, like I said, go to lessons from aqua.com/quarter club and join us. It's where we change our lives, where we go after our dreams and where we stop beating ourselves up. It's not allowed in the community at all.
All right, my friends, I hope this was helpful and I will be back for another episode. Hey, if you are looking for more in-depth help with your career, whether that's dealing with all of the stress, worry, and anxiety that's leading to burnout in your current career or figuring out what your dream career is and actually going after it, I want you to join me in the Quitter Club. It is where we quit what is no longer working like perfectionism, people pleasing imposter syndrome, and we start working on what does and we start taking action towards the career and the life that you actually want. We will take the concepts that we talk about on the podcast and apply them to your life and you will get the coaching tools and support that you need to actually make some real change. So go to lessons from a quitter.com/quitter club and get on the wait list. Doors are closed right now, but they will be open soon.
Hello my friends. Welcome to another episode. I'm so excited to have you here. How are you all? I am fantastic. I am so excited to talk about this topic. I've talked about the power of communities before here and there. If you listen to the podcast, I've talked a lot about how different communities have really changed the trajectory of my career and my life and my happiness and so many things. And I really started realizing how powerful putting yourself in rooms with people that you want to be surrounded with is for your mental health, for how your self concept, your self identity, your belief, what you go after, really everything.
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And I've never done a full standalone topic on it and I was thinking about this cuz next week I'm going to yet another community event, another group event. I'm going out to Miami for another business type conference and I'll explain a little bit about why I do these conferences so much and I've been doing 'em more and what I really get out of them and really this idea of community is behind not only what I do for myself personally and I go to these events, it's why I started the Quitter Club and why I believe so deeply in creating a group that is sort of insulated from other people who don't share the same beliefs, right? And putting yourself in a group of people that can support you. So that's what we're gonna talk about today. Here's the thing, it has been proven through tons and tons of research that who you surround yourself with impacts pretty much everything that you do right?
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Impacts your life in numerous ways. There's a reason that cliche or that saying of you are, I don't know, what is it? You are the sum of the five people that you spend the most time with. It's not a way of wanting to shame your friends or family or whatnot and try to get you to level up and be around other people. It's just the fact that human beings are social creatures. We are created to be in community. The way our brains are wired is to be in community. And truly the way our brains are wired is to mirror each other. So we have mirror neurons where if you've ever noticed, like when you see someone laughing, you don't even have to know what they're laughing about. You start laughing, right? If someone is hysterically laughing and can't stop, have you noticed that you start actually like laughing out loud and you don't even know what they're doing?
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Have you ever had someone that is laughing at a joke, they can't get a joke out, they can't get the punchline of the joke cuz they're laughing so hard and you just laugh even though you don't even know what the punchline of the joke is yet because your are watching them, your brain is mirroring them. You have neurons that fire that wants to mirror the person you are with. Okay? Same thing happens with think about why we feel so tense and uncomfortable and maybe anxiety ridden. If you are around someone who's also exhibiting those behaviors, it doesn't even have to be something that is affecting you. If you are around someone that's angry, it causes you. If you are allowed just your kind of subconscious brain and your natural wiring to take over, it causes you to feel more anger or to feel a lot of negative emotion.
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If you're around someone who's super anxious or super tense, you tend to feel tense. This is why for so many of us, I actually think thought work. One of the most powerful ways that I've used thought work is learning how to observe myself, trying to mirror other people and be able to change it a little bit, right? To know that I don't have to be angry about this person's anger. They get to be angry, they can have whatever emotions they want. I get to manage my own emotions. I get to still be happy if I want to be. And that has been some of the most powerful ways of using thought work is really understanding that even in a relationship, I don't have to have the same emotions as my partner or as my friends or whoever I'm in community with. I get to decide.
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But when we don't know that, and that is not always easy to do and it's not always conscious and it happens sometimes in a split second, knowing that the people that you are around, if you don't wanna do thought work all day long every day, it just helps to be around people that might exhibit the values that you have, the characteristics that you have, the demeanors that maybe you want, right? If somebody is angry all the time, it's not so fun to be around them. Like even if you can manage your own mind and you can be perfectly fine, that can be exhausting. Sometimes we just wanna be around a person that laughs at everything and is excited about everything, right? We have the mirror and neurons, so that's one part of it. They've also done tons of studies of the proximity effect and how we are influenced highly influenced by the people we are in community with.
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So if you hang around smokers or drinkers, you are statistically way more likely to become a smoker or drinker. We see this in every avenue. Look in your closet, right? You tend to buy things that people in your community, people closest to you buy. This is how trends happen. It's always so fascinating to me. Like I'll see a trend of something and I'm like, no way we're wearing that. No way that's happening. Why are people dressing like this? And then I see my friends wear it, right? It catches on at some point and slowly you're like, that's kinda cute. I actually don't mind that. I could probably rock that, right? You go buy that fanny pack that you wear sideways that everybody's apparently doing. You get the point. Even things that initially you're like, I wouldn't wear that. Think about every decision we make. Why do we dress the way we dress?
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Why do we, if you look at different cultures, this becomes very apparent. Why is it that we do some things in our culture and other people don't in their cultures? Why is it that when you go to another country it's so strange for you to see how people do certain things because that's not the way that you do it back home. And it's simply because other people in your community also decided like, this is how we're gonna dress, this is what we're gonna eat, this is what we're gonna do. And we're like, all right, that sounds good. I'll do that too. And then I started noticing this with other things too. Have you ever felt very maybe torn about something or even guilty about doing something? An example that comes to mind is like hiring help. We women have been shamed to think they have to do everything and to feel bad if they ever spend money.
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And so a lot of women have a lot of guilt around let's say hiring a housekeeper or hiring someone to outsource your laundry or whatnot. And a really fascinating thing is to really think about who are the people around you and what do they think? Because like you grew up in a culture where your mother and your grandmothers like they all did their own cooking and cleaning and laundry and it's unheard of to waste money like that. Like then you have those thoughts, you adopt those same habits of I can't just, what am I rich? I can't just have a housekeeper come even though like financially, it's a lot of times when you look into these things, it's something you could afford. It's like, Hey, can I pay someone 150 bucks every month to come clean the house? Probably, but do I feel guilty about it?
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I started noticing this like I would feel guilty about some things and then my friends would start doing it and then I would start questioning, oh, I could probably afford that. I could probably do that too, right? When someone else normalizes it. And if you notice this, like this is obviously why we even have like influencers, like the term influencers, and these are parasocial relationships. They're not the same type of relationships. Obviously this is like a new way that humans are living, but it is still a community. Like the people that you follow, you are in community with them and so you get influenced by them when they tell you that something is cool or something is cute or this is the next trend or this food is delicious, you're like, huh, maybe I should try that. That sounds good. And this isn't good or bad or wrong in any way.
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This is the way humans are. And it's actually really helpful in a lot of ways. It's how we learn how to be in community with other people. It's how we like don't reinvent the wheel. It's, it is what it is. But the really important thing of understanding the psychology about it, understanding how your brain works is to see that it can also be your downfall in a lot of ways. So in the same way that you can use this for positive things, it also is obviously used in negative ways. Like I just said. Even that example of being shamed into not having a housekeeper that can cause a lot of stress over the years of your life where you have the money to do it. You just, there's just this morality that has been put into this task apparently by your community. And so you forego the help you forego the convenience so that you don't seem quote unquote bad.
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And that can lead to years and years of shame and resentment and anger and hating cleaning the house and doing all these things. When there is a solution, you just don't think you can use it. And now think about how many things are like that. If I am in community, let's say it might be my nuclear home, maybe it's my partner and my kids, maybe it's my immediate family, maybe it's the friends that I hang out with, like I said earlier, like if they're smokers and drinkers, then I'm gonna feel more inclined to do those things. If they tend to want to get together and eat really big meals and nobody really likes exercising and people make fun of everybody that is on a diet or they make fun of everybody that is working out or running a marathon, let's say, guess what your habits are gonna likely be, it's harder to go against that grain.
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It's harder to be the person that is like, well I like eating salad and I like the way my body feels when I don't eat all this food and I wanna get up in the morning and go work out. And maybe you can do that. I'm not saying it never happens, obviously in our families and certain social groups, like there are outliers and we can do things differently and we're not all like robots that are the same, but you know what I'm saying. If I've never run a marathon before and I decide that's gonna be my goal for this year, if I'm also surrounded by people that have never run a marathon before and think the idea is stupid and think that I'm crazy and tell me constantly that it's such a waste of time and they can't believe I wake up every morning to run and isn't it painful?
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And wouldn't you rather just sleep? Now the thing is, is like you might in that moment be able to say, no, I wanna prove to myself I can do this. But when the alarm clock goes off at 5:00 AM and you have to get up to go run, you already have your own doubts. Like you already have the negative thoughts, you already have the, oh, should I sleep in? And when everybody around you told you like, it's fine, you don't have to do this. It's better not to. What are you insane? What are you trying to prove? Like those loud thoughts that you have in your head, your own insecurities about it or your own thoughts of like, it's so much more comfy to be in my bed is just gonna be louder. It's gonna like, ah, it's just, let's just, I'm not gonna stick with this for four months.
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I might as well just give up now. And this is why they've done tons of studies that like you are more likely to stick to your goals if you are in a community with people who also value those goals, value those habits, right? So if you join a community of people that are trying to run a marathon, it will be much easier. Statistically speaking, you are like 95% more likely to reach your goal. Why is that right? It's not because you all of a sudden have more willpower or you all of a sudden have different physical capabilities. It's because they have different thoughts and you mirror those thoughts. And what I like to say is like you get to borrow their belief because a lot of times we lack the belief, especially when we're trying something new or we're putting ourselves out there, we're doing something scary when we haven't done it before.
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There is doubt, there is fear that's not going anywhere. You don't have certainty, you don't know how it's gonna turn out. So of course there's uncertainty and with uncertainty for humans comes discomfort. And when you are uncomfortable, it's very easy for your brain to try to talk you into doing something comfortable to just giving it up because it just wants dopamine, it just wants to keep you alive. It just wants to keep you safe. This feels terrible, let's not do this. And so when you're around people who share those same thoughts and trigger those same negative thoughts in you, it's much easier to give up. As opposed to when you're in a community where other people have already run tons of marathons, there's people that are older than you, there's people that are less able-bodied than you that have done it. There's people that are in better shape or worse shape or whatnot, whatever it is, whatever excuse you thought you had, you go into that community and when you voice it, or even if you don't voice it, you see other people you're like, huh, maybe if they can do it, then maybe I can.
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And you start borrowing that belief or you start telling them like, yeah, I have a really hard time getting up at 5:00 AM And they're like, yeah, of course you do. We all do. It's terrible. And you feel the relief like, oh it's, there isn't something wrong with me. It's not just me. It's not that I'm defective and I can't run a marathon. This is just how the human brain works, huh? That makes me feel surprisingly better. So the next day when my alarm goes off at 5:00 AM I don't make it mean like, see, I knew you were gonna do this. Of course you don't wanna go, you're lazy. I think, yeah, nobody wants to get up at 5:00 AM to train, but this is what we're doing and I'm meeting the people from this community for my run. So guess what? I'm gonna get up and I'm gonna do it and I'm gonna keep doing it until I reach that goal.
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And so I say this because it has been proven that this is the way to reach your goals. That this is one of the biggest factors in whether you will stick to it. Because as we've talked about, willpower is fleeting because there are so many negative emotions. It doesn't mean you can't do it, of course you can. It's just easier, right? You just don't have to do it alone. So why would you when it's so much harder than having support or having people that believe those beliefs. Now I've talked a lot about in my story, I obviously didn't do this consciously, but now I look back and I realize that a really integral part of me quitting or figuring out what I wanted to do was putting myself in communities. And I didn't even do that consciously. What I did was when I quit my job as a lawyer in 2014, I was completely lost and I had zero idea what I was gonna do.
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And what I really did think, which is what most people think is, well what can I do with this legal degree? Can I do something adjacent to this? Can I use this degree in another type of job? I had every intention of finding another job because everybody around me just had jobs. That's all I thought I was supposed to do. That's all I thought I could do. I didn't have any skills to run a business. I told myself these stories that like I don't know anything about business and I don't even like business and I don't even care about money and all these other lies that I like to tell myself. And when I was in that space and I was really lost and at the time I just didn't even know where to start, I probably the one of the smartest decisions I've ever made.
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I just decided to start going to free meetup groups because I wanted to see what people were doing as jobs. I just didn't even know what jobs were out there. Like I knew kind of the basics, obviously like engineer, lawyer, doctor, like nurse, that kind of stuff. But I didn't know like what does it mean to be a product manager? I, I had no idea. And so I figured I'm just gonna find some meetups that sound interesting, I'm gonna go to them and I'm gonna meet these people. And I went to a bunch of meetups and what was interesting was going now looking back and I laugh and listen, nine outta 10 meetups didn't go anywhere for me. So it could have been a quote unquote waste of time. Like we love to be so concerned about what if I waste my time? But the reality is is like you're not gonna knock it outta the park every single time.
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You have to fail in order to succeed. There is that quote of if you wanna increase your rate of success, you have to double your rate of failure. It's just the way it is. And I mean you don't even have to look at it as a failure. It's just like constantly experimenting, take a step then another. And for me, I kind of knew, okay, I know a lot of these are gonna be duds. Like they're not gonna pan out for me. It's not gonna be something I wanna do, but I'll never know the ones I'm gonna wanna do unless I go to all of these, right? So I started just going to like engineer meetups and I went to some like creative meetups, like graphic designers and other types of people that were in the creative field. I went to some like small business meetups, I can't even remember them all.
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I went to a lot of like lawyer adjacent like nonprofit meetups and things like that. And I remember it's like I would go into one and like just the energy of the room, I was like Ugh, I do not wanna be here. I do not wanna be talking to these people. I'm sure they were lovely people, but just it seemed so depressing. , I was like everybody was, it was just like a typical networking kind of event. And then I would go to other networking events and it was so lively and fun and I didn't even care what the jobs were. I was like, this seems like a group of people I wanna be around. And even that gave me like a clue in this is the type of stuff I wanna do, this is where I get energy from. And I have talked about this.
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Like I went to a tech startup event meetup, no idea what it was. And it was like the funnest meetup I've ever been to. I fell in love. It was very like shark tank style, people pitching their startups. I had no interest in the tech world. I had no interest in a startup. I didn't know if I was gonna start a business. But I just really enjoyed being there and I enjoyed it because people were so excited about what they were doing and they loved what they were doing and people were so friendly and outgoing and welcoming and obviously like we've all watched Shark Tank, it's super interesting to see these things that people come up with and other people like peppering them, them with questions. And it was all just very fascinating. And so I just started going back and I started going to those communities.
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And when I say borrowing belief, what was interesting is in the beginning I just kept having the thought, well I could never start a business. And I remember talking to someone and saying that and then he was like, why not? Why would you ever say that? Of course you could. And I remember being taken aback by it and I was like, wait what? I mean, oh, I just don't know how to do anything. And so you think any of these people know what they were doing? And it was so matter of fact that it almost, that's what surprised me the most is that he wasn't just trying to be like, no, you're good. Like you're good enough. Like he wasn't trying to pump me up. It was just really like, wait, I don't understand. Like why wouldn't you be able to? And I remember in that way I was like, wait, can I start a business?
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Do I know enough to start a business? And again, it was like the borrowing of belief, right? It was his thoughts that I was borrowing that I was like, wait, there's like a seed planted. Like maybe I could, I don't know what business I would start. I don't know what I would do from here on. I don't know why I would even want it, but like maybe, and I'll spare you the whole toga. But that's what led me to start my photo booth business. And I remember at the time like just being a part of that community, I got much more involved in that tech startup community. It was pivotal in me doing this work because not only was it like networking and they helped me in every area. They helped me find a manufacturer, they helped me find a designer, they helped me find design my booth, they helped me with marketing everything, right?
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So it's obviously you're in a community with people that know what they're doing and so you're getting that help. But truly it was that they helped me borrow their belief. Like they helped me at every stage when I kept thinking, no, this is too hard. Like my photo booth business had both software and hardware and I kept thinking, I can't figure both of this out and I figure out the business, I can't do this. And there was so many times where I felt that and it was so many people in that community that I leaned on that we're like, this is not a big deal. Of course you could figure this out. This is what you do here and this is who you need to talk to and I'll put you in contact with this person and we'll figure it out. It's not like this is what everyone does.
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And when I started seeing, one of the things I remember the most was like I would meet people that were serial entrepreneurs, like a lot of the people that were kind of investors, they'd come to watch other people pitch. And then when I would talk to them and they would talk about the businesses that they had started, like one of them would say like, oh I, you know, I had started a business in healthcare and I was doing, and we did this service-based business. And then I sold that and then I started making these cartons for water bottles instead of using plastic. And I was like, what? How did you go from a healthcare to like making PLA water bottles that are made out of carton? I was like, oh, cuz it's just the same principles. Like I, I was more interested in this and I remember how much permission that gave me.
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Cause at the time I was still struggling with quitting the law and starting something over and it was the only field that I saw that so many people were just constantly doing something new in another industry and it was completely normal and nobody ever batted an eye. And I was like, wait, what? You could just change your mind. You could just sell that that and start something completely new and nobody, you're not thinking like, what am I doing? I don't know what I'm like, I've never done this. And I remember how much that normalized it for me for even changing my mind. That was such a pivotal moment for me to even understand like leaving the law was okay. Like why would I hold myself within these structures that I put myself in? So anyways, I just say that like that being in that community is what completely transformed the trajectory of my life.
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What I decided to do, what I thought was possible because as much as my friends and family loved me and as much as maybe even my ex-coworkers and people could be supportive about me quitting, they could not help me figure out what I was gonna do because they've never done it right. They were going to put their fears onto me because that is what humans do because they love me, not because they're mean and they hate me and they're trying to make me doubt myself. They're worried. They also have fears that like you should be in a nine to five that you shouldn't. That starting a business is risky. These are the messages we've been given. And so of course when I talk about it with my friends and like, oh I'm thinking of starting a business, of course they were like supportive but they would constantly be like, well are you sure?
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Like how long is that gonna take? And how much money do you have to put in it? And do you even know what you're doing And have you ever done this? And what if this doesn't work? And all of that starts triggering my own insecurities and it would be going to these events and networking with these people that started making me realize, oh it's not my friends and family's role to support me in this. That's not their job. They don't know how but these other people do. And so why don't I lean on them for what I need? Why don't I mirror them Now as I've gone through so many different iterations and I started the podcast and I've started this and I, I look back at myself and I was like, well of course when I was working as a lawyer, when you're in a community of people that have fought into the belief that there's only one way to do it and you have to work these really long hours, you know you can't say no and we're just gonna and complain to each other and we're gonna not change anything and no one's gonna quit.
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That becomes the norm. And so you mirror that. It's very difficult to push against that grain. It's difficult to quit, it's difficult to walk away cuz everybody around you is telling you that that is crazy and it's not something you should do except for me. And I'm glad you listened to me cause I can tell you're not crazy, but you get what I mean. Like you have to put yourself in a community where people think that's not crazy. That it's okay to change your mind, to start over, to quit something that you're allowed to grow and evolve and change and of course you should. And why can't you? You have to be able to borrow those beliefs. And the same thing happened to me as I continued on, like I did the freeze tech startup meetups. I even did a lot of free podcasting groups when I wanted to start being a podcaster.
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I just put myself in those Facebook groups and I leaned on them with all of my worries and fears and I saw that they had the same ones and I talked to them about my imposter syndrome and who am I to do this and what is everyone gonna think and do we really need another podcast in this world and yada yada yada. And like I can have those same conversations with my friends but they cannot give me the same advice as other podcasters can because they don't know that world. I did the same thing when I started my business when I wanted to become a a coach. I remember the first mastermind that he did. It was like, or I even remember the first conference I went to was like an exhale, like letting out like I found my people because I didn't have to explain like for so many of my friends and family while I wanted to tell 'em what I was doing, it was like constantly like I felt like I had to get them to understand.
(24:23):
I had to explain what I was doing. And when I started going to these conferences where it was for online business owners or life coaches or podcasters or whatever, it was like you're already amongst people that understand what you're doing that understand what your goal is. You don't need to explain it, it doesn't sound crazy, it's not farfetched. And so you can spend that time instead of sort of being defensive or needing people to understand or grappling with your own insecurities. You get to have that time to create and collaborate and get ideas and see what they're doing and borrow their beliefs. And it's the most beautiful and powerful feeling. And that's why I've consistently put myself in communities after I started the podcast. I have always been in some kind of community or another. I've gone to conferences, I've been in mastermind groups, I've been in peer led masterminds.
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And I was gonna say, this isn't all just paid stuff. Like I said in the beginning I did meetups and free Facebook groups, then I started creating my own mastermind. I just asked peers in my space that I knew from Instagram I've never met. I asked them if they wanted to meet every month to talk about our businesses so I can have a sounding board for people to talk about what's going on. And then I started doing paid ones. And I will tell you there's a beauty to the paid ones as well. Having someone facilitate it, having someone lead it, having someone that has been where you wanna be and has the beliefs that you want cultivate a room of people. There's truly nothing more powerful. I remember the first mastermind I did and that really is not only skyrocketed in my business but really helped make it so much easier.
(26:00):
Like I had felt like I was kind of pushing a boulder up a mountain for so long and it was carrying my own belief and kind of pushing myself forward with I could do this, I know I can do this, I can make this. And I obviously was a lot of doubt in that. And I remember going into that mastermind group and it was like, oh my god, there's just no more resistance because of course I can do this. I can see all these people doing it. They believe I can do this. They're telling me I can do it. I let all of the pressure and all of the limiting beliefs, I just let them go. I became so much easier. And so I continue to do that. I continue to invest in myself. I continue to go to these conferences. Like I said, I'm in a mastermind group.
(26:38):
I went to New York a month ago with a small group where we meet once a month and we coach in Slack and we have that two day event in New York. And then now I'm going to another event in Miami that Brooke Castillo from the Life Coach School is putting on. And it's a business event and a lot of my favorite coaches will be there that I will get to have a little mini reunion with. And I know I already know, like I've gone to so many of these that I know the power of that weekend. I know getting in a room with these people will change me in ways that like no matter how much work I do on myself, no matter how much self-coaching I do, it will not. I know that like I will get one thought from them, one belief that will carry me, that will take me to whatever level it is that I wanna get to whatever the next thing that I need is.
(27:25):
And I continue to put myself in these communities, not because I need it, quote unquote, I could run my business without it. But why would I, is my question to myself, right? Like why would I try to go through business or life alone? Why would I try to do all of these hard things so I can prove that oh, I did it without anybody when it's so much more fun and so much easier doing it with people that already have the thoughts you wanna have. And so I, I wanted to talk about this because I really wanna encourage you to put yourself in rooms with people that are either doing the things you want to do or being the people you want to be. And even if you don't know what that is, that's okay. Like I said, I just started out going to a bunch of random meetups to see, to observe myself like where am I the most excited?
(28:15):
Where am I the most deflated? Where's my energy low? What am I attracted to? What is the types of work that I wanna be doing? Maybe you need to go through a time of experimentation that the reality is like it's not gonna just come knock on your door and be like, this is what you need to do. Here is your whole strategy. You have to try, you have to be willing to get something is wrong and quote unquote waste some time. But it's not really a waste of time cuz you're learning about yourself and you're learning about what works and what doesn't. And honestly, learning what doesn't work is just as valuable as learning what does. And so I want you to find a community. If you're interested in maybe starting a business, find an entrepreneurial community. You don't have to actually have a business to be in them.
(28:57):
You can just be in there to talk to people, see what they're doing. If you wanna be a coach, find a coaching community. If you wanna be a writer, find a writing community. If you just wanna be around, I don't know, moms that are happier or that are like going for big goals, find a Facebook group. I guarantee you exists. Put yourself around those people. Read their posts. Let their thoughts influence your thoughts, right? Use this proximity effect, use our mirror neurons to your benefit, figure out what you want and then be around those people so you can get that from them. And that's honestly why I created the Quitter Club because I wanted, while I loved the six month program, it was a very small group and it would end and so then it would be a new group. And kind of creating that cohesive feel of a community takes a little bit of time.
(29:46):
And I wanted to create one that is larger, that welcomes everybody who doesn't, doesn't have to be about quitting your job but wants to live a more intentional life. Wants to stop floating through life, kind of directionless wants to stop shaming themselves and having this inner critic wants to make a decision about their career and start actually building it and not sitting in the, I don't know, all day long, right? Wants to believe that it's okay to quit and it's okay to change your mind. And it's okay to not want to give into what society has told us we want. It's okay to not be the perfect mom that does 800 million things all the time. Or the perfect dad who loves playing with their kid even after a long days of work, like doesn't shame themselves. Like I want a community that supports each other through this transition of figuring out like I did the thing that society told me to do, I got the degree, I got the job and I'm not happy and now I wanna figure out something else and I'm ready to reject all the that I've been given.
(30:47):
And I'm ready to like decide for myself what it is I want. I'm ready to find out what it is I want. I'm ready to experiment and fail and put myself out there and try things and figure it out. Because you can have a career you actually love. It's absolutely possible. Undoubtedly for every one of you, you just have to learn some of these tools and what we have created, I'm so, so proud of, I love being in the Quitter Club for this very reason because I wanted people to not have to only have their friends and family to talk to about when they wanna start a side hustle because I know how that conversation goes. I know that your spouse who loves you very dearly is also concerned. And so they're gonna put their doubts on you. I know when your parents find out that you wanna quit your job, they're gonna freak out.
(31:30):
I know that your coworkers are gonna tell you that it's crazy for you to give up this job because so many people would love to have it. And so I want you to be in a community where there's people that tell you like, of course you want something new. Of course you want something different that's totally normal, that's very human. What are we gonna do about it? What do you wanna do? Let's try it. And that's what it has become. It's one of the most supportive, amazing communities that I love being in. And if you are looking for a community, you want to be with people that will support you on your journey, then I want you to join us. You can go to lessons from a quitter.com/quitter club and you can get on the wait list for when we open. But even if you decide not to join us, I want you to just find a community.
(32:10):
Even if you right now don't know what you wanna do, find any community, try it out, see if you like those people. And if you don't, I want, this is a really key step. Evaluate why Don't just say, oh, I didn't like it. Get really curious cuz that's where the gold is. Mine, your brain for like, why did I not like this group? What was it about the people? What was it about what they were doing? Because then you'll start getting information, you'll start seeing patterns, you'll start seeing like, oh, I like being around these types of people and I like doing these types of things. And I like when people have these types of, of beliefs and these are my values and this is what I wanna find. And then it becomes a lot easier to find the groups that you actually want, but you have to get started.
(32:46):
So my friends, you do not have to do this alone. And why would you ever want to put yourself in a community that's going to lift you up, that's going to give you their beliefs so that you can borrow them, so that you can create the life you want. And if you wanna be a part of my community, I would love to have you, like I said, go to lessons from aqua.com/quarter club and join us. It's where we change our lives, where we go after our dreams and where we stop beating ourselves up. It's not allowed in the community at all.
All right, my friends, I hope this was helpful and I will be back for another episode. Hey, if you are looking for more in-depth help with your career, whether that's dealing with all of the stress, worry, and anxiety that's leading to burnout in your current career or figuring out what your dream career is and actually going after it, I want you to join me in the Quitter Club. It is where we quit what is no longer working like perfectionism, people pleasing imposter syndrome, and we start working on what does and we start taking action towards the career and the life that you actually want. We will take the concepts that we talk about on the podcast and apply them to your life and you will get the coaching tools and support that you need to actually make some real change. So go to lessons from a quitter.com/quitter club and get on the wait list. Doors are closed right now, but they will be open soon.
